You Are Elon Musk

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<<set $Money = 852000000000>><<set $sense to 0>><<set $reputation to 0>><<set $father to 0>><<set $doge to 0>><<set $poverty to 0>><<set $cancer to 0>><<set $nasa to 0>><<set $children to 0>><<set $lunch to 0>><<set $roadster to 0>><<set $cybertruck to 0>><<set $robot to 0>><<set $jarvis to 0>><<set $crash to 0>><<set $fsd to 0>><<set $rail to 0>><<set $wrongful to 0>><<set $gcs to 0>><<set $college to 0>><<set $twitter to 0>><<set $repup to 0>><<set $jurassic to 0>><<set $repscore to 0>><<set $yacht to 0>><<set $artists to 0>><<set $killtesla to 0>><<set $vegas to 0>><<set $island to 0>><<set $bannonlives to 0>><<set $got to 0>><<set $salary to 0>><<if (($badend1 eq 1) and ($badend2 eq 1)) and (($badend3 eq 1) and ($neutralend eq 1))>><<set $fourendings to 1>><<endif>><<if (($trueend eq 1) and ($bathroom eq 1)) and (($vasectomy eq 1) and ($killbannon eq 1))>><<set $trueandthreecheevos to 1>><<endif>><<if (($teslaunion eq 1) and ($twitterdown eq 1)) and (($highreputation eq 1) and ($lowreputation eq 1))>><<set $fourcheevos to 1>><<endif>>When you wake up this morning from unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed into a monstrous vermin. [[You are Elon Musk.|Explanation]] <<if ($badend1 eq 1) or ($badend2 eq 1) or ($badend3 eq 1) or ($neutralend eq 1) or ($trueend eq 1)>>[[Achievements]] [[Credits]]<<endif>>

Elon Musk's employees are now your employees. His money is now your money. Nothing you say or do will convince anyone you are not Elon Musk, even his closest friends and family. What do you do? [[I go to the bathroom.|Bathroom]] [[I scream and sob with terror over this unnatural event.|Hands]] [[Look, I know the drill. I spend all his fucking money.|Let's Go]]

<<set $Money to ($Money + 1476063)>><<set $bathroom to 1>>You go to the bathroom. It takes you about nine minutes to do all your business, because Musk clearly hasn't been eating his fiber. You flush the toilet, because any game with a bathroom that does not allow you to flush the toilet is not a real game. In that nine minutes, you, Elon Musk, make $1,476,063[<a href="https://www.litefinance.org/blog/for-beginners/how-much-does-elon-musk-earn/">*</a>]. That's 23 times an American's average annual salary[<a href="https://www.sofi.com/learn/content/average-salary-in-us/">**</a>] and around 35 times the median salary of a Tesla factory floor worker[<a href="https://www.glassdoor.com/Salary/Tesla-Production-Worker-Salaries-E43129_D_KO6,23.htm">***</a>]. [[Jesus christ.|Horrifying]]

You spend some time howling and tearing at your flesh with unfamiliar hands. It doesn't do any good. You are still Elon Musk. [[Is there a way to end my suffering??|Explanation 2]]

On the left is your current net worth. Below is a list of causes you can support. <strike>Solve climate change (-$9.2 trillion)</strike> [[Fund cancer research (-$648 billion)|Cancer 1]] [[End extreme poverty worldwide (-$320 billion)|Poverty 1]] [[Turn SpaceX into a public good (-$211 billion)|NASA 1]] [[Undo DOGE cuts (-$180 billion)|DOGE 1]] [[Build an artificial island (-$80 billion)|Island 1]] [[Set your children up for life (-$13 billion)|Children 1]] [[Finance Las Vegas public transit for 10 years (-$4.19 billion)|Vegas 1]] [[Pay US student lunch debt for 10 years (-$1.94 billion)|Lunch 1]]

Look, there isn't, OK? You're stuck as a gross billionaire until you spend all his money. [[That... doesn't make any sense.|Sense]] [[Fine, but do I have to spend it?|Spend It]]

<<set $sense to 1>>Waking up in the body of a billionaire doesn't make much sense either, but this is what we have to work with. Believe me, it's not too pleasant from this end either. Do you know how many times I've run this simulation? Anyway, even if spending all of Elon Musk's money doesn't get you back where you're supposed to be, you'll still be the hero who spent all of Elon Musk's money. [[But there are so many smarter ways to use Elon Musk's money. I could invest it--|Spend It]]

<<if $sense eq 1>>NO. <<endif>>You cannot invest it, keep it, or earn more of it. You can only spend it. [[But that's a really inefficient way to use wealth.|Realism]] [[Oh, all right|Let's Go]]

Sure, sure. It's also true that no billionaire just sits on a giant pile of cash; most of Musk's wealth is tied up in the valuations of his companies, ie, totally fake. But that's not the scope of this simulation. This simulation is about spending all of Elon Musk's fucking money. [[Well, all right.|Let's Go]]

Yeah, it's kinda horrifying, isn't it. [[Right, OK. How do I get rid of all this money?|Spend It]] [[I go to the bathroom again.|Bathroom 2]]

You may be inhabiting the body of a 54-year-old, but that doesn't mean you need to pee again that quickly. [[Eh, it was worth a shot.|Anyway]] [[Wait, Elon Musk is 54 years old?|Gross]]

<<set $sense to 1>>Anyway, now that you've done your business, it's time to spend Elon Musk's money. [[Do I have to spend it? Can't I like, invest it or hoard it or--|Spend It]]

Yeah, I was surprised too. From his behavior you would think he's an 8-year-old boy with impulse control issues, but alas. He's somehow an adult male with viable semen. [[Urgh.|Anyway]]

Worth: $<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>> <<if $repscore eq 1>> Reputation: <<if $reputation eq 0>>100/100<<else>><<print 100 - ($reputation * 10)>>/100<<endif>><<endif>> <<if $father eq 1>> Father's Love: 0/10<<endif>>

<<if $reputation gte 1>><<set $Money to ($Money * 0.9)>><<endif>>Larry Ellison sends you an illegible, yet concerned, email. <<if $repscore eq 1>>With your net worth tied up mainly in the valuation of your various companies, any out-of-character behavior is sure to negatively affect your available funds. The reverse is also true.<<endif>> Nevertheless, you persist. <strike>Solve climate change (-$9.2 trillion)</strike> <<if ($cancer eq 1) or ($Money lt 648000000000)>><strike>Fund cancer research (-$648 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Fund cancer research ($648 billion)|Cancer 2]]<<endif>> <<if ($poverty eq 1) or ($Money lt 320000000000)>><strike>End extreme poverty worldwide (-$320 billion)</strike><<else>>[[End extreme poverty worldwide (-$320 billion)|Poverty 2]]<<endif>> <<if ($nasa eq 1) or ($Money lt 211000000000)>><strike>Turn SpaceX into a public good (-$211 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Turn SpaceX into a public good (-$211 billion)|NASA 2]]<<endif>> <<if ($doge eq 1) or ($Money lt 150000000000)>><strike>Undo DOGE cuts (-$150 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Undo DOGE cuts (-$150 billion)|DOGE 2]]<<endif>> <<if ($island eq 1) or ($Money lt 80000000000)>><strike>Build an artificial island (-$80 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Build an artificial island (-$80 billion)|Island 2]]<<endif>> <<if ($children eq 1) or ($Money lt 13000000000)>><strike>Set your children up for life (-$13 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Set your children up for life (-$13 billion)|Children 2]]<<endif>> <<if ($vegas eq 1) or ($Money lt 4190000000)>><strike>Finance Las Vegas public transit for 10 years (-$4.19 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Finance Las Vegas public transit for 10 years (-$4.19 billion)|Vegas 2]]<<endif>> <<if ($lunch eq 1) or ($Money lt 1940000000)>><strike>Pay US student lunch debt for 10 years (-$1.94 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay US student lunch debt for 10 years (-$1.94 billion)|Lunch 2]]<<endif>>

<<if $reputation gte 1>><<set $Money to ($Money * 0.9)>>Bill Gates sends you an urgent text on how to merely appear to support righteous causes while continuing to profit off the decimation of the Earth[<a href="https://jacobin.com/2025/02/bill-gates-oil-divestment-climate">*</a>]. You ignore it. <<endif>>What next? <strike>Solve climate change (-$9.2 trillion)</strike> <<if ($cancer eq 1) or ($Money lt 648000000000)>><strike>Fund cancer research (-$648 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Fund cancer research ($648 billion)|Cancer 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($poverty eq 1) or ($Money lt 320000000000)>><strike>End extreme poverty worldwide (-$320 billion)</strike><<else>>[[End extreme poverty worldwide (-$320 billion)|Poverty 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($nasa eq 1) or ($Money lt 211000000000)>><strike>Turn SpaceX into a public good (-$211 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Turn SpaceX into a public good (-$211 billion)|NASA 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($doge eq 1) or ($Money lt 180000000000)>><strike>Undo DOGE cuts (-$180 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Undo DOGE cuts (-$180 billion)|DOGE 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($island eq 1) or ($Money lt 80000000000)>><strike>Build an artificial island (-$80 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Build an artificial island (-$80 billion)|Island 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($children eq 1) or ($Money lt 13000000000)>><strike>Set your children up for life (-$13 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Set your children up for life (-$13 billion)|Children 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($vegas eq 1) or ($Money lt 4190000000)>><strike>Finance Las Vegas public transit for 10 years (-$4.19 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Finance Las Vegas public transit for 10 years (-$4.19 billion)|Vegas 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($lunch eq 1) or ($Money lt 1940000000)>><strike>Pay US student lunch debt for 10 years (-$1.94 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay US student lunch debt for 10 years (-$1.94 billion)|Lunch 3]]<<endif>> [[What's that sound?|Epstein Cabal]]

<<set $Money to ($Money - 320000000000)>><<set $poverty to 1>><<set $reputation to 1>><<set $repscore to 1>>The Center for Effective Global Action estimates it would take around $2 per person to eliminate extreme poverty worldwide, or around $318 billion annually.[<a href="https://cega.berkeley.edu/end-of-poverty/">*</a>] Of course, a year isn't a long time, so to prevent backsliding, you should throw in a couple billion to strongarm governments into putting more of their own resources into housing and feeding their most vulnerable populations going forward. <<if $doge eq 0>>Throwing some money at USAID could help too.<<else>>The restoration of USAID will help too.<<endif>> [[A roof over every head and a meal on every table.|Decision 2]]

<<set $Money to ($Money - 320000000000)>><<set $poverty to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>><<set $repscore to 1>>The Center for Effective Global Action estimates it would take around $2 per person to eliminate extreme poverty worldwide, or around $318 billion annually.[<a href="https://cega.berkeley.edu/end-of-poverty/">*</a>] Of course, a year isn't a long time, so to prevent backsliding, you should throw in a couple billion to strongarm governments into putting more of their own resources into housing and feeding their most vulnerable populations going forward. <<if $doge eq 0>>Throwing some money at USAID could help too.<<else>>The restoration of USAID will help too.<<endif>> [[A roof over every head and a meal on every table.|Decision 3]]

<<set $doge to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 180000000000)>><<set $reputation to 1>><<set $repscore to 1>>Using your diminished but still considerable political influence, you reverse all the cuts instituted by the stupidly named Department of Government Efficiency. This actually comes in at far less than $180 billion[<a href="https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2025/6/6/has-doge-really-saved-the-us-government-180bn">*</a>], but you can use the excess to pay reparations to the families of the more than 750,000 people who have already died as a result of the dismantling of USAID[<a href="https://www.cidrap.umn.edu/chikungunya/quick-takes-death-toll-usaid-cuts-withdrawal-chikungunya-vaccine-funding-updated-ebola">**</a>]. [[It's something, anyway.|Decision 2]]

<<set $doge to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 180000000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>><<set $repscore to 1>>Using your diminished but still considerable political influence, you reverse all the cuts instituted by the stupidly named Department of Government Efficiency. This actually comes in at far less than $180 billion[<a href="https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2025/6/6/has-doge-really-saved-the-us-government-180bn">*</a>], but you can use the excess to pay reparations to the families of the more than 750,000 people who have already died as a result of the dismantling of USAID[<a href="https://www.cidrap.umn.edu/chikungunya/quick-takes-death-toll-usaid-cuts-withdrawal-chikungunya-vaccine-funding-updated-ebola">**</a>]. [[It's something, anyway.|Decision 3]]

<<if $reputation gte 3>><<set $Money to ($Money * 0.9)>><<endif>>The Washington Post devotes one of its three remaining writers to a puff piece justifying your wild expenses as merely the free market in action. <strike>Solve climate change (-$9.2 trillion)</strike> <<if ($cancer eq 1) or ($Money lt 648000000000)>><strike>Fund cancer research (-$648 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Fund cancer research ($648 billion)|Cancer 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($poverty eq 1) or ($Money lt 320000000000)>><strike>End extreme poverty worldwide (-$320 billion)</strike><<else>>[[End extreme poverty worldwide (-$320 billion)|Poverty 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($nasa eq 1) or ($Money lt 211000000000)>><strike>Turn SpaceX into a public good (-$211 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Turn SpaceX into a public good (-$211 billion)|NASA 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($doge eq 1) or ($Money lt 180000000000)>><strike>Undo DOGE cuts (-$180 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Undo DOGE cuts (-$180 billion)|DOGE 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($island eq 1) or ($Money lt 80000000000)>><strike>Build an artificial island (-$80 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Build an artificial island (-$80 billion)|Island 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($children eq 1) or ($Money lt 13000000000)>><strike>Set your children up for life (-$13 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Set your children up for life (-$13 billion)|Children 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($vegas eq 1) or ($Money lt 4190000000)>><strike>Finance Las Vegas public transit for 10 years (-$4.19 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Finance Las Vegas public transit for 10 years (-$4.19 billion)|Vegas 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($lunch eq 1) or ($Money lt 1940000000)>><strike>Pay US student lunch debt for 10 years (-$1.94 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay US student lunch debt for 10 years (-$1.94 billion)|Lunch 4]]<<endif>> [[What's that sound?|Epstein Cabal]]

<<set $cancer to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 648000000000)>><<set $father to 1>><<set $reputation to 1>><<set $repscore to 1>>There is no universal treatment for all cancer, but a recent study from JAMA Internal Medicine estimated it costs about $648 million to fund a single cancer drug[<a href="https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullarticle/2653012">*</a>]. Therefore it figures that to fund 1,000 cancer drugs would cost $648 billion. But let's say early trials find more than half of the cancer drugs are ineffective. You can terminate those and devote the unspent funds toward fast-tracking more promising treatments, such as mRNA vaccines[<a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/s41586-025-09655-y">**</a>]. You might even have enough left over to bribe Congress into impeaching Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr, who is perhaps the biggest obstacle in all this. [[Fuck cancer.|Decision 2]]

<<set $cancer to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 648000000000)>><<set $father to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>><<set $repscore to 1>>There is no universal treatment for all cancer, but a recent study from JAMA Internal Medicine estimated it costs about $648 million to fund a single cancer drug[<a href="https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullarticle/2653012">*</a>]. Therefore it figures that to fund 1,000 cancer drugs would cost $648 billion. But let's say early trials find more than half of the cancer drugs are ineffective. You can terminate those and devote the unspent funds toward fast-tracking more promising treatments, such as mRNA vaccines[<a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/s41586-025-09655-y">**</a>]. You might even have enough left over to bribe Congress into impeaching Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr, who is perhaps the biggest obstacle in all this. [[Fuck cancer.|Decision 3]]

<center>CREDITS</center>Written by <a href="https://direkris.itch.io/">Kris Lorischild</a> in Twine 2. Stock images by RDNE Stock Project, Giovanni Spoletini, Donald Tong, Pat Whelen, Free Nature Stock, Markus Spiske, and the US Library of Congress.<center>DISCLAIMERS</center>No generative AI was used in the making of this game. I do not permit derivatives of this work that use generative AI. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in an obviously fictitious manner. All numbers are rhetorical, based on cursory internet research, and should be taken with a grain of salt. NOT TO BE TREATED AS A SERIOUS RESOURCE FOR MONEY NUMBERS OR FINANCIAL ADVICE IF YOU ARE INDEED ELON MUSK.<center>SPECIAL THANKS</center>Patreon supporters - Alejandro, Alex, Arkaan, Ayse, Ben, Bobby, Brandon, Bryant, Carli, Carolyn G, Carolyn J, Cass, Cassie, Catherine, Charles, Chris G, Chris L, Ciry, Clifford, Colin, Cristian, Dan, Daniel, Darshana, David C, David G, David S, Deon, Denis, Dom, Dylan, Edward, Elli, Emma, Eric, Evan, Harry, hightow, Iona, Jake, James, Jane, Jill, Joel, Johnnemann, Jonathan, Josh, Joshua, Justin, Kate B, Kate C, Kieran, Kira, Kris, Laura, Lee, Line, Luke, Maggie, Matthew, Michael, Moomanibe, Myriame, Nerium, Noyb, Pavlova, Problem Machine, progrock_fanboy, Rachel, Raymond, Richard, Rob, RobsteinOne, Rowan, Seg, SP, Squiblon, Steve, Steven, Talia, Tea, Thomas, Tim, Travis, Unni, WormYagan9, Zachary Discord gremlins and beta testers - Carli, David, Kate, Rowan, Monk, Thene, Aisling, Ganymede <center>[[Back to Start|Start]]</center>

<<set $Money to ($Money - 13000000000)>><<set $children to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation - 1)>><<set $repscore to 1>><<set $vasectomy to 1>>No one really needs a billion dollars, even your (known) 13 children: Vivian, Griffin, Kai, Saxon, Damian, X Æ A-Xii, Exa, Strider, Azure, Techno, Arcadia, Seldon Lycurgus, and Romulus. But factor in unpaid/underpaid child support[<a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/elon-musk-grimes-moving-california-avoid-texas-court-custody-battle-2023-11">*</a>], the mothers' pain and suffering, and the transphobic bullshit you've supported to hurt your daughter Vivian, and $1 billion each seems a bit more fair. While you're at it, you also get a vasectomy. The cost of this is so negligible[<a href="https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/vasectomy/how-do-i-get-vasectomy">**</a>] I'm not even going to model it. The benefit, on the other hand, is immeasurable. [[Improving the gene pool, one snip at a time.|Decision 2]]

<<set $Money to ($Money - 13000000000)>><<set $children to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation - 1)>><<set $vasectomy to 1>>No one really needs a billion dollars, even your (known) 13 children: Vivian, Griffin, Kai, Saxon, Damian, X Æ A-Xii, Exa, Strider, Azure, Techno, Arcadia, Seldon Lycurgus, and Romulus. But factor in unpaid/underpaid child support[<a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/elon-musk-grimes-moving-california-avoid-texas-court-custody-battle-2023-11">*</a>], the mothers' pain and suffering, and the transphobic bullshit you've supported to hurt your daughter Vivian, and $1 billion each seems a bit more fair. While you're at it, you also get a vasectomy. The cost of this is so negligible[<a href="https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/vasectomy/how-do-i-get-vasectomy">**</a>] I'm not even going to model it. The benefit, on the other hand, is immeasurable. [[Improving the gene pool, one snip at a time.|Decision 3]]

<<if $reputation gte 4>><<set $Money to ($Money * 0.9)>><<set $twitter to 1>><<set $twitterdown to 1>><strike>Twitter</strike> X the Everything AppTM goes offline, citing "existential difficulties."<<else>><<set $trumpshit to 1>>The President calls for your execution, then shits himself live on camera.<<endif>> <strike>Solve climate change (-$9.2 trillion)</strike> <<if ($cancer eq 1) or ($Money lt 648000000000)>><strike>Fund cancer research (-$648 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Fund cancer research ($648 billion)|Cancer 5]]<<endif>> <<if ($poverty eq 1) or ($Money lt 320000000000)>><strike>End extreme poverty worldwide (-$320 billion)</strike><<else>>[[End extreme poverty worldwide (-$320 billion)|Poverty 5]]<<endif>> <<if ($nasa eq 1) or ($Money lt 211000000000)>><strike>Turn SpaceX into a public good (-$211 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Turn SpaceX into a public good (-$211 billion)|NASA 5]]<<endif>> <<if ($doge eq 1) or ($Money lt 180000000000)>><strike>Undo DOGE cuts (-$180 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Undo DOGE cuts (-$180 billion)|DOGE 5]]<<endif>> <<if ($island eq 1) or ($Money lt 80000000000)>><strike>Build an artificial island (-$80 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Build an artificial island (-$80 billion)|Island 5]]<<endif>> <<if ($children eq 1) or ($Money lt 13000000000)>><strike>Set your children up for life (-$13 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Set your children up for life (-$13 billion)|Children 5]]<<endif>> <<if ($vegas eq 1) or ($Money lt 4190000000)>><strike>Finance Las Vegas public transit for 10 years (-$4.19 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Finance Las Vegas public transit for 10 years (-$4.19 billion)|Vegas 5]]<<endif>> <<if ($lunch eq 1) or ($Money lt 1940000000)>><strike>Pay US student lunch debt for 10 years (-$1.94 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay US student lunch debt for 10 years (-$1.94 billion)|Lunch 5]]<<endif>> [[What's that sound?|Epstein Cabal]]

Sirens wail as the walls of your concrete bunker are breached and your concerned friends flood into the room. Two of the burlier billionaires pin you down and take away your laptop. "This has gone on long enough, Elon," says Richard Branson, speaking for the group. "You've gone and reduced your net worth to a paltry <<print window.formatNumber($Money)>> American dollars. <<if ($Money gt 300000000000)>>You're still the richest man alive, but for how much longer?<<elseif ($Money lt 2500000000)>>Even I'm richer than you now, not that I much mind that part!<<else>>You're still among the richest men in the world, but for how much longer?<<endif>> For heaven's sake, what has gotten into you?" How do you respond? [[Say that you grew a conscience.|Conscience]] [[Explain that you woke up in the body of a cheeto-smelling billionaire through no fault of your own.|Tell the Truth]] [[Call him a pedo.|Pedophiles]]

<<set $cancer to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 648000000000)>><<set $father to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>>There is no universal treatment for all cancer, but a recent study from JAMA Internal Medicine estimated it costs about $648 million to fund a single cancer drug[<a href="https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullarticle/2653012">*</a>]. Therefore it figures that to fund 1,000 cancer drugs would cost $648 billion. But let's say early trials find more than half of the cancer drugs are ineffective. You can terminate those and devote the unspent funds toward fast-tracking more promising treatments, such as mRNA vaccines[<a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/s41586-025-09655-y">**</a>]. You might even have enough left over to bribe Congress into impeaching Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr, who is perhaps the biggest obstacle in all this. [[Fuck cancer.|Epstein Cabal]]

<<set $Money to ($Money - 320000000000)>><<set $poverty to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>>The Center for Effective Global Action estimates it would take around $2 per person to eliminate extreme poverty worldwide, or around $318 billion annually.[<a href="https://cega.berkeley.edu/end-of-poverty/">*</a>] Of course, a year isn't a long time, so to prevent backsliding, you should throw in a couple billion to strongarm governments into putting more of their own resources into housing and feeding their most vulnerable populations going forward. <<if $doge eq 0>>Throwing some money at USAID could help too.<<else>>The restoration of USAID will help too.<<endif>> [[A roof over every head and a meal on every table.|Epstein Cabal]]

<<set $doge to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 180000000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>>Using your diminished but still considerable political influence, you reverse all the cuts instituted by the stupidly named Department of Government Efficiency. This actually comes in at far less than $180 billion[<a href="https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2025/6/6/has-doge-really-saved-the-us-government-180bn">*</a>], but you can use the excess to pay reparations to the families of the more than 750,000 people who have already died as a result of the dismantling of USAID[<a href="https://www.cidrap.umn.edu/chikungunya/quick-takes-death-toll-usaid-cuts-withdrawal-chikungunya-vaccine-funding-updated-ebola">**</a>]. [[It's something, anyway.|Epstein Cabal]]

<<set $lunch to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 1940000000)>><<set $reputation to 1>><<set $repscore to 1>>It's amazing that such obscene concept as "student lunch debt" -- which clocks in at $194 million annually[<a href="https://educationdata.org/school-lunch-debt">*</a>] -- even exists, but short of Jamie Oliver-ing the entire public school system's cafeterias, you can at least see to it that kids are fed, sort of. Obviously, covering just one year of lunch debt would be a pittance for you. So let's tack on a zero and cover things for a solid decade. [[Square pizza???|Decision 2]]

<<set $lunch to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 1940000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>><<set $repscore to 1>>It's amazing that such obscene concept as "student lunch debt" -- which clocks in at $194 million annually[<a href="https://educationdata.org/school-lunch-debt">*</a>] -- even exists, but short of Jamie Oliver-ing the entire public school system's cafeterias, you can at least see to it that kids are fed, sort of. Obviously, covering just one year of lunch debt would be a pittance for you. So let's tack on a zero and cover things for a solid decade. [[Square pizza???|Decision 3]]

<<set $lunch to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 1940000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>>It's amazing that such obscene concept as "student lunch debt" -- which clocks in at $194 million annually[<a href="https://educationdata.org/school-lunch-debt">*</a>] -- even exists, but short of Jamie Oliver-ing the entire public school system's cafeterias, you can at least see to it that kids are fed, sort of. Obviously, covering just one year of lunch debt would be a pittance for you. So let's tack on a zero and cover things for a solid decade. [[Square pizza???|Epstein Cabal]]

<<set $nasa to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 211000000000)>><<set $reputation to 1>><<set $repscore to 1>>Who needs a private space industry? You yourself (or at least, the gross manchild whose body you're inhabiting) have admitted[<a href="https://arstechnica.com/space/2026/02/has-elon-musk-given-up-on-mars/">*</a>] you're not headed for Mars anymore, and NASA has lunar missions covered. The actual cost to turn your gigantic vanity project into a public good is zero, but let's factor in a year of the agency's budget[<a href="https://www.planetary.org/space-policy/nasa-budget">**</a>] to synchronize operations and bring SpaceX up to a standard. A "rockets that don't blow up" standard. The real hit, of course, is the $186 billion you lose in net worth by no longer owning the company and enjoying those sweet, sweet government contracts. But you can afford to lose that and <<if $Money gt 277000000000>>still be the richest pile of shit in the world<<else>>still be one of the richest piles of shit in the world<<endif>>. [[To the MOOOOOON (without a profit motive)!|Decision 2]]

<<set $nasa to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 211000000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>><<set $repscore to 1>>Who needs a private space industry? You yourself (or at least, the gross manchild whose body you're inhabiting) have admitted[<a href="https://arstechnica.com/space/2026/02/has-elon-musk-given-up-on-mars/">*</a>] you're not headed for Mars anymore, and NASA has lunar missions covered. The actual cost to turn your gigantic vanity project into a public good is zero, but let's factor in a year of the agency's budget[<a href="https://www.planetary.org/space-policy/nasa-budget">**</a>] to synchronize operations and bring SpaceX up to a standard. A "rockets that don't blow up" standard. The real hit, of course, is the $186 billion you lose in net worth by no longer owning the company and enjoying those sweet, sweet government contracts. But you can afford to lose that and <<if $Money gt 277000000000>>still be the richest pile of shit in the world<<else>>still be one of the richest piles of shit in the world<<endif>>. [[To the MOOOOOON (without a profit motive)!|Decision 3]]

<<set $nasa to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 211000000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>>Who needs a private space industry? You yourself (or at least, the gross manchild whose body you're inhabiting) have admitted[<a href="https://arstechnica.com/space/2026/02/has-elon-musk-given-up-on-mars/">*</a>] you're not headed for Mars anymore, and NASA has lunar missions covered. The actual cost to turn your gigantic vanity project into a public good is zero, but let's factor in a year of the agency's budget[<a href="https://www.planetary.org/space-policy/nasa-budget">**</a>] to synchronize operations and bring SpaceX up to a standard. A "rockets that don't blow up" standard. The real hit, of course, is the $186 billion you lose in net worth by no longer owning the company and enjoying those sweet, sweet government contracts. But you can afford to lose that and <<if $Money gt 277000000000>>still be the richest pile of shit in the world<<else>>still be one of the richest piles of shit in the world<<endif>>. [[To the MOOOOOON (without a profit motive)!|Epstein Cabal]]

<<if (($fourendings eq 1) and ($trueandthreecheevos eq 1)) and ($fourcheevos eq 1)>>Look, you've run this simulation enough times to know the drill by now. You know you don't get anywhere telling people the truth. I have to assume you're getting a little stir-crazy in Bazinga-man's head over there, so how about we take a break? Come on. Come over here. [[OK...?|Secret Route]] [[No thanks, I'd like to play the normal route.|Escape]]<<else>>What did I say up top? No one will believe you are anyone but Elon Musk, especially not those who have so much in common with you, like an interest in ragers on Pedophile Island. It does earn you a hearty laugh from Google co-founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page, however. "Sure," Brin chortles. "Next you'll tell us the same thing happened to Jeff in 2018." "Actually," says Page, scrutinizing his phone screen, "Gemini says it did." "Would you turn that shit off?" [[Whatever. Time to escape.|Escape]]<<endif>>

Steve Bannon barks a laugh. "You expect us to believe that woke horseshit?" "Everyone knows consciences were invented in the 1970s by a cabal of radical feminists," says a watery-eyed Steven Pinker. It seems inclusion in the Epstein files precludes any understanding of what a moral compass is, which kind of figures, in retrospect. You'll have no luck convincing this set that your intentions are good. [[Well, I tried. Time to bust out of here.|Escape]]

"Is that meant to be funny?" says Branson. "I think he's saying it as an in-group thing," says Larry Summers. "You know, like 'What's up, my pedos?'" "Shut up, Larry." [[Welp, I tried. Time to escape.|Escape]]

You worm your way out from under the meaty grip of your captors, using the grease of your unwashed flesh as lubricant. Before the rest of the Epstein Class can react, you are racing toward the secret bunker beneath your secret bunker, Trump phone tucked under your armpit. Choose a heroic mount: [[Tesla Roadster]] [[Cybertruck]] [[Giant Robot]]

<<set $roadster to 1>>You butt-slide down an emergency ramp and plop into the driver's seat of your second-generation Tesla Roadster, the only one to currently exist. Red chrome, it is the sleeker twin of the one you shot into space as a PR stunt in 2018. Above, you hear a furor of footsteps as your fellow elite perverts race after you. Time is short. How do you drive? [[Manually|Roadster Manual]] [[Full Self-Driving|Roadster FSD]] [[A secret third thing|Roadster Jarvis]]

<<set $cybertruck to 1>>You slide down the fire pole you built into your secret bunker's secret bunker just for the cool factor. Landing, you shake the sting of rope burn out of your palms and fumble with your phone, unlocking your Cybertruck with a proprietary app. Your elite pedophile pursuers are hot on your heels. How do you drive? [[Manually|Cybertruck Manual]] [[Full Self-Driving|Cybertruck FSD]] [[A secret third thing|Cybertruck Jarvis]]

<<set $robot to 1>>You bought this thing, the Method-2, off Jeff Bezos when he went crazy in 2018, intending to mass produce them as automated bartenders. You just never got around to it. Now it stands gleaming in a pool of light, a steel monstrosity straight out of a James Cameron film, its cockpit open and waiting for you. Footsteps thunder overhead; the elite pedophiles are not far behind. How do you pilot the giant robot? [[Manually|Robot Manual]] [[Full Self-Driving|Robot FSD]] [[A secret third thing|Robot Jarvis]]

You key the Roadster's ignition through your phone and select forward drive from its immense dashboard screen. It purrs to life, smooth as anything. You slam the accelerator, peeling out of the garage of your secret bunker's secret bunker and into the blinding Texas sun. [[Check the rearview mirror.|Pursuers]]

<<set $fsd to 1>>You key the Roadster's ignition through your phone and select Full Self-Driving from its immense dashboard tablet. It purrs to life and glides out of the garage of your secret bunker's secret bunker, into the blinding Texas sun. [[Check the rearview mirror.|Pursuers]]

You key the Roadster's ignition through your phone and tap through a series of hidden menus on your dashboard tablet. There is a musical chime, and then a soft, gently accented voice floats up from your car's speakers. "Mr. Musk, what can I do for you today?" [[Drive me, Jarvis.|Jarvis 2]]

You slide into the Cybertruck's pleather driver seat and select forward drive from its massive dashboard tablet. The low-poly eyesore jolts to life like a hypnic jerk. You slam the accelerator, peeling out of the garage of your secret bunker's secret bunker and into the blinding Texas sun. [[Check the rearview mirror.|Pursuers]]

<<set $fsd to 1>>You slide into the Cybertruck's pleather driver seat and select Full Self-Driving from its massive dashboard tablet. The low-poly eyesore jolts to life like a hypnic jerk and glides out of the garage of your secret bunker's secret bunker, into the blinding Texas sun. [[Check the rearview mirror.|Pursuers]]

You slide into the Cybertruck's pleather driver seat and tap through a series of hidden menus on your dashboard tablet. There is a musical chime, and then a soft, gently accented voice floats up from your truck's speakers. "Mr. Musk, what can I do for you today?" [[Drive me, Jarvis.|Jarvis 2]]

You haul yourself up the ladder leading to the plexiglass-enclosed cockpit and drop into its hard plastic seat, tapping in its wakeup protocol as you go. The controls are intuitive -- they'd have to be, for someone as dumb as a billionaire to manage them -- and the Method-2 lurches to life with ease. You crank the speed and plod out of the secret bunker's secret bunker's garage and into the hot Texas sun at a respectable 5mph, each cacophonous footfall like a small bomb going off beneath you. [[Check the rearview camera.|Pursuers]]

<<set $fsd to 1>>You haul yourself up the ladder leading to the plexiglass-enclosed cockpit and drop into its hard plastic seat, tapping in its wakeup protocol as you go. After a bit of tooling around, you find the autopilot control and flip the switch. The Method-2 lurches to life. It plods out of the secret bunker's secret bunker's garage and into the hot Texas sun at a modest 3mph, each cacophonous footfall like a small bomb going off beneath you. [[Check the rearview camera.|Pursuers]]

You haul yourself up the ladder leading to the plexiglass-enclosed cockpit and drop into its hard plastic seat, tapping in its wakeup protocol as you go. A big, red button catches your eye and you press it. A musical chime fills the cockpit, followed by a soft, gently accented voice. "Mr. Musk, what can I do for you today?" [[Drive me, Jarvis.|Jarvis 2]]

<<set $jarvis to 1>>"With pleasure, Mr. Musk," says Legally Distinct Jarvis, as your <<if $roadster eq 1>>Roadster purrs to life<<elseif $cybertruck eq 1>>Cybertruck jolts to life<<else>>robot lurches to life<<endif>>. There is a pause while your <strike>mechanical Turk</strike> magical butler AI takes a moment to set up, and then you jerk forward<<if $robot eq 1>> by a half-step<<endif>>. It's slow going at first, but then you pick up speed, <<if ($roadster eq 1) or ($cybertruck eq 1)>>gliding<<else>>plodding<<endif>> toward the garage's exit and into the blinding Texas sun. <<if $robot eq 1>>[[Check the rearview camera.|Pursuers]]<<else>>[[Check the rearview mirror.|Pursuers]]<<endif>>

<<if $robot eq 0>>Plodding<<else>>Screeching<<endif>> up from behind you is <<if ($roadster eq 1) or ($cybertruck eq 1)>>a 14-foot steel monstrosity on two legs -- the Method-2, your giant robot you bought off Jeff Bezos when he went crazy in 2018<<else>>your personal second-generation Tesla Roadster, a furious red-chrome blister of a sportscar, hot on your tail<<endif>>. At the <<if $robot eq 0>>helm<<else>>wheel<<endif>> is Steve Bannon, his long gray hair <<if $robot eq 0>>framed around his face like a furious lion's mane<<else>>whipping in the wind in an excellent impression of Immortan Joe<<endif>>. <<if $robot eq 0>>Beside you in the passenger seat<<else>>Beside you in the cockpit<<endif>>, your Trump phone rings. You have a pretty good guess who it is. [[Put it on speaker.|Speaker]]

"You can't escape that easily, Musk!" the former World of Warcraft goldminer[<a href="https://www.avclub.com/steve-bannon-used-to-be-ceo-of-a-world-of-warcraft-gold-1798257564">*</a>] rages. "We're not going to let you ruin it for the rest of us!" <<if $robot eq 0>>So he says, but with a top speed of 5mph, the Method-2 is quickly falling behind you. This may be a problem that solves itself<<else>>With your robot's top speed of 5mph, he's gaining fast<<endif>>. What do you do? <<if $robot eq 1>>[[Engage rockets|Robot Rockets]]<<elseif $roadster eq 1>>[[Deploy dummy|Roadster Corpse]]<<else>>[[Drop cargo|Cybertruck Ketamine]]<<endif>> <<if $robot eq 1>>[[Maintain speed|Robot Crash]]<<else>>[[Maintain speed|Car Leave Bannon]]<<endif>>

<<if $jarvis eq 1>>"Jarvis," you say, "deploy rockets." "At once, Mr. Musk."<<else>>You scan the cockpit until you find the switch you're looking for. It's helpfully labeled. More specifically, it says "Do Not Use." You use it.<<endif>> Along the robot's back emerge twin thrusters, humming to life with the roar of jet engines. You are knocked back in your seat from the acceleration, your heroic mount's feet casting up waves of sparks as you sail down your private highway at unheard-of speed. Bannon and the Roadster are soon a mere dot on the rearview camera. Ahead, you find the highway suddenly curves sharply to the right. <<if $jarvis eq 1>>[[Um, Jarvis...|Turn Crash]]<<else>>[[Wait shit the brake where's the brake on this thing|Turn Crash]]<<endif>>

<<set $killbannon to 1>>In the rear seat of your Roadster is a "dummy" astronaut, much like the one that now orbits the Sun as space debris. It absolutely isn't the corpse of one of your enemies. Don't be silly. Anyway, you deploy the James Bond springs on the rear seat to jettison the <strike>corpse</strike> dummy onto the road behind you. It rolls like an oversized ragdoll right under the treads of the Method-2, causing it to stumble and lose its balance. You smirk into the rearview mirror as you watch the giant robot faceplant on the asphalt, taking Bannon with it. The call disconnects. [[Time to spend more of this fucker's money.|Decision 6]]

<<set $killbannon to 1>>In the bed of your Cybertruck is enough ketamine to sedate a herd of elephants, or just enough to get you through an all-night posting spree on X. The vats slosh about with every <<if ($fsd eq 1) or ($jarvis eq 1)>>jerk<<else>>tug<<endif>> of the wheel, ready to topple out the back. So that's precisely what happens. With a series of taps on your dashboard tablet, your truck's tailgate lowers and the vats go tumbling out, right under the treads of the Method-2. You smirk into the rearview mirror as you watch the giant robot faceplant on the asphalt, taking Bannon with it. The call disconnects. [[Time to spend more of this fucker's money.|Decision 6]]

<<set $crash to 1>>You elect to maintain the robot's slow-but-steady pace. This turns out to be a stupid move, as it takes only a matter of seconds for Bannon to catch up. The Roadster collides with the back of the Method-2's legs, sending its knees buckling and the entire top-heavy contraption plunging toward the sizzling pavement. [[Time to die, I guess?|Robot Wreckage]]

<<set $crash to 1>>The turn comes up faster than <<if $jarvis eq 1>>Legally Distinct Jarvis<<elseif $fsd eq 1>>the FSD system<<else>>you<<endif>> can react. You hit the guardrail at speed, <<if $robot eq 1>>tripping over the woefully insufficient metal and tumbling into a steep ditch<<elseif $roadster eq 1>>the low nose of your Roadster driving into it like a wedge and pitching your car ass-over-teakettle into a steep ditch<<else>>the Cybertruck punching through the woefully insufficient metal like tissue paper and tumbling forward into a steep ditch<<endif>>. You forgot your seatbelt, of course. [[Time to die??|Turn Wreckage]]

You are tossed from your hard seat and hit plexiglass. It warps and cracks beneath you, but does not shatter. Something warm starts to ooze from your temple. You twist in the upended cockpit, now faceplanted on the highway asphalt. Damage alerts blare from the control panel, now far out of reach. <<if $jarvis eq 1>>"Mr. Musk?" Legally Distinct Jarvis asks amidst the crackle and hiss of smoldering electronics. "Are you all right? Mr. Musk?" <<endif>>You grapple for your phone, which luckily landed near your ear. [[Let's spend this fucker's money.|Decision 6]]

What do you do? <<if $Money lt 280000000000>><strike>Gender affirming surgery for all (-$280 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Gender affirming surgery for all (-$280 billion)|GCS 1]]<<endif>> <<if $Money lt 142400000000>><strike>Build a real-life Jurassic Park (-$142.4 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Build a real-life Jurassic Park (-$142.4 billion)|Jurassic 1]]<<endif>> <<if $Money lt 120000000000>><strike>Pay for California's high-speed rail network (-$120 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay for California's high-speed rail network (-$120 billion)|Rail 1]]<<endif>> <<if $Money lt 95500000000>><strike>Pay families of those killed by Teslas (-$95.5 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay families of those killed by Teslas (-$95.5 billion)|Wrongful 1]]<<endif>> <<if $Money lt 500000000>><strike>Buy a superyacht (-$500 million)</strike><<else>>[[Buy a superyacht (-$500 million)|Yacht 1]]<<endif>> <<if $Money lt 187500000>><strike>Fund 2,500 artists (-$187.5 million)</strike><<else>>[[Fund 2,500 artists (-$187.5 million)|Artists 1]]<<endif>> <<if $Money lt 154000000>><strike>Put 1,000 students through college (-$154 million)</strike><<else>>[[Put 1,000 students through college (-$154 million)|College 1]]<<endif>> <<if $Money lt 90000000>><strike>Redo the last season of Game of Thrones (-$90 million)</strike><<else>>[[Redo the last season of Game of Thrones (-$90 million)|GOT 1]]<<endif>>

<<set $Money to ($Money - 120000000000)>><<set $rail to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>><<set $repscore to 1>>While modernizing all 136,729 miles (220,044 km) of US rail is the ultimate goal, such an endeavor would cost trillions and require a federal government that actually wanted to improve things for its people. For now, let's focus on at least completing California's more modest, 800-mile high-speed rail network, estimated to cost upwards of $120 billion[<a href="https://californiapolicycenter.org/california-high-speed-rail-at-a-crossroads/">*</a>]. When completed, California's Shinkansen will run from Sacramento to San Diego, bringing the union's most populous state into the 21st century, all without Gavin Newsom lifting a single, slimy finger. [[More like Newsugh.|Decision 7]]

<<if $reputation gte 3>><<set $Money to ($Money * 0.9)>><<endif>><<if $crash eq 1>>Your vision starts to blur. The zeroes are running together. Time is running out.<<else>>The sun is in your eyes. You squint harder at your phone, dividing your attention between it and the road.<<endif>> <<if ($gcs eq 1) or ($Money lt 280000000000)>><strike>Gender affirming surgery for all (-$280 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Gender affirming surgery for all (-$280 billion)|GCS 2]]<<endif>> <<if ($jurassic eq 1) or ($Money lt 142400000000)>><strike>Build a real-life Jurassic Park (-$142.4 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Build a real-life Jurassic Park (-$142.4 billion)|Jurassic 2]]<<endif>> <<if ($rail eq 1) or ($Money lt 120000000000)>><strike>Pay for California's high-speed rail network (-$120 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay for California's high-speed rail network (-$120 billion)|Rail 2]]<<endif>> <<if ($wrongful eq 1) or ($Money lt 95500000000)>><strike>Pay families of those killed by Teslas (-$95.5 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay families of those killed by Teslas (-$95.5 billion)|Wrongful 2]]<<endif>> <<if ($yacht eq 1) or ($Money lt 500000000)>><strike>Buy a superyacht (-$500 million)</strike><<else>>[[Buy a superyacht (-$500 million)|Yacht 2]]<<endif>> <<if ($artists eq 1) or ($Money lt 187500000)>><strike>Fund 2,500 artists (-$187.5 million)</strike><<else>>[[Fund 2,500 artists (-$187.5 million)|Artists 2]]<<endif>> <<if ($college eq 1) or ($Money lt 154000000)>><strike>Put 1,000 students through college (-$154 million)</strike><<else>>[[Put 1,000 students through college (-$154 million)|College 2]]<<endif>> <<if ($got eq 1) or ($Money lt 90000000)>><strike>Redo the last season of Game of Thrones (-$90 million)</strike><<else>>[[Redo the last season of Game of Thrones (-$90 million)|GOT 2]]<<endif>> <<if $crash eq 1>>[[There's no time...|Bad End 1 Prior]]<<endif>>

<<set $Money to ($Money - 120000000000)>><<set $rail to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>>While modernizing all 136,729 miles (220,044 km) of US rail is the ultimate goal, such an endeavor would cost trillions and require a federal government that actually wanted to improve things for its people. For now, let's focus on at least completing California's more modest, 800-mile high-speed rail network, estimated to cost upwards of $120 billion[<a href="https://californiapolicycenter.org/california-high-speed-rail-at-a-crossroads/">*</a>]. When completed, California's Shinkansen will run from Sacramento to San Diego, bringing the union's most populous state into the 21st century, all without Gavin Newsom lifting a single, slimy finger. [[More like Newsugh.|Decision 8]]

<<if $robot eq 1>>You are tossed from your hard seat and hit plexiglass. It warps and cracks beneath you, but does not shatter. Something warm starts to ooze from your temple. You twist in the upended cockpit, now faceplanted in the ditch. Damage alerts blare from the control panel, now far out of reach.<<else>>You are tossed from your plush seat and do not so much hit the windshield as pass clean through it. Your body tumbles down the side of the ditch, which honestly feels more like a cliff, coming to land heavily in an oozing, broken pile.<<endif>> <<if ($jarvis eq 1)>>"Mr. Musk?" Legally Distinct Jarvis asks amidst the crackle and hiss of smoldering electronics. "Are you all right? Mr. Musk?" <<endif>>You grapple for your phone, which luckily landed near your ear. [[Let's spend this fucker's money.|Decision 6]]

<<set $bannonlives to 1>>You maintain speed, which turns out to be prudent in this case. You smirk as Bannon and the giant robot are soon a mere dot in the rearview mirror. Ahead, you find the highway suddenly curves sharply to the right. <<if $jarvis eq 1>>[[Um, Jarvis...|Turn Crash]]<<elseif $fsd eq 1>>[[Wait shit the brake where's the brake on this thing|Turn Crash]]<<else>>[[Easy.|Pre Decision 6]]<<endif>>

<<if $reputation gte 3>><<set $Money to ($Money * 0.9)>><<endif>><<if $crash eq 1>>The world is a dark red tunnel. You can barely see the screen. This will probably your last chance to spend Elon Musk's fucking money. <<if ($gcs eq 1) or ($Money lt 280000000000)>><strike>Gender affirming surgery for all (-$280 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Gender affirming surgery for all (-$280 billion)|GCS 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($jurassic eq 1) or ($Money lt 142400000000)>><strike>Build a real-life Jurassic Park (-$142.4 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Build a real-life Jurassic Park (-$142.4 billion)|Jurassic 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($rail eq 1) or ($Money lt 120000000000)>><strike>Pay for California's high-speed rail network (-$120 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay for California's high-speed rail network (-$120 billion)|Rail 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($wrongful eq 1) or ($Money lt 95500000000)>><strike>Pay families of those killed by Teslas (-$95.5 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay families of those killed by Teslas (-$95.5 billion)|Wrongful 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($yacht eq 1) or ($Money lt 500000000)>><strike>Buy a superyacht (-$500 million)</strike><<else>>[[Buy a superyacht (-$500 million)|Yacht 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($artists eq 1) or ($Money lt 187500000)>><strike>Fund 2,500 artists (-$187.5 million)</strike><<else>>[[Fund 2,500 artists (-$187.5 million)|Artists 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($college eq 1) or ($Money lt 154000000)>><strike>Put 1,000 students through college (-$154 million)</strike><<else>>[[Put 1,000 students through college (-$154 million)|College 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($got eq 1) or ($Money lt 90000000)>><strike>Redo the last season of Game of Thrones (-$90 million)</strike><<else>>[[Redo the last season of Game of Thrones (-$90 million)|GOT 3]]<<endif>> [[There's no time...|Bad End 1 Prior]]<<elseif ($jarvis eq 1) or ($fsd eq 1)>>The turn comes up faster than <<if $jarvis eq 1>>Legally Distinct Jarvis<<else>>the FSD system<<endif>> can react. You hit the guardrail at speed, <<if $roadster eq 1>>the low nose of your Roadster driving into it like a wedge and pitching your car ass-over-teakettle into a steep ditch<<else>>the Cybertruck punching through the woefully insufficient metal like tissue paper and tumbling forward into a steep ditch<<endif>>. You forgot your seatbelt, of course. [[Time to die??|Turn Wreckage 2]]<<else>>You take your time manually guiding your vehicle along a sharp turn. The sight of your Tesla Gigafactory comes into view, ten thousand unsold Cybertrucks gleaming like reflector dishes in the heat. <<if ($gcs eq 1) or ($Money lt 280000000000)>><strike>Gender confirmation surgery for all (-$280 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Gender confirmation surgery for all (-$280 billion)|GCS 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($jurassic eq 1) or ($Money lt 142400000000)>><strike>Build a real-life Jurassic Park (-$142.4 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Build a real-life Jurassic Park (-$142.4 billion)|Jurassic 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($rail eq 1) or ($Money lt 120000000000)>><strike>Pay for California's high-speed rail network (-$120 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay for California's high-speed rail network (-$120 billion)|Rail 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($wrongful eq 1) or ($Money lt 95500000000)>><strike>Pay families of those killed by Teslas (-$95.5 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay families of those killed by Teslas (-$95.5 billion)|Wrongful 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($yacht eq 1) or ($Money lt 500000000)>><strike>Buy a superyacht (-$500 million)</strike><<else>>[[Buy a superyacht (-$500 million)|Yacht 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($artists eq 1) or ($Money lt 187500000)>><strike>Fund 2,500 artists (-$187.5 million)</strike><<else>>[[Fund 2,500 artists (-$187.5 million)|Artists 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($college eq 1) or ($Money lt 154000000)>><strike>Put 1,000 students through college (-$154 million)</strike><<else>>[[Put 1,000 students through college (-$154 million)|College 3]]<<endif>> <<if ($got eq 1) or ($Money lt 90000000)>><strike>Redo the last season of Game of Thrones (-$90 million)</strike><<else>>[[Redo the last season of Game of Thrones (-$90 million)|GOT 3]]<<endif>><<endif>>

<<set $crash to 1>>You are tossed from your plush seat and do not so much hit the windshield as pass clean through it. Your body tumbles down the side of the ditch, which honestly feels more like a cliff, coming to land heavily in an oozing, broken pile. <<if ($jarvis eq 1)>>"Mr. Musk?" Legally Distinct Jarvis asks amidst the crackle and hiss of smoldering electronics. "Are you all right? Mr. Musk?" <<endif>>You grapple for your phone, which luckily landed near your ear. [[Still... too much... money...|Alt Decision 9]]

<<if $reputation gte 4>><<set $Money to ($Money * 0.9)>><<endif>>What more can you do? <<if ($gcs eq 1) or ($Money lt 280000000000)>><strike>Gender affirming surgery for all (-$280 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Gender affirming surgery for all (-$280 billion)|GCS 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($jurassic eq 1) or ($Money lt 142400000000)>><strike>Build a real-life Jurassic Park (-$142.4 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Build a real-life Jurassic Park (-$142.4 billion)|Jurassic 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($rail eq 1) or ($Money lt 120000000000)>><strike>Pay for California's high-speed rail network (-$120 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay for California's high-speed rail network (-$120 billion)|Rail 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($wrongful eq 1) or ($Money lt 95500000000)>><strike>Pay families of those killed by Teslas (-$95.5 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay families of those killed by Teslas (-$95.5 billion)|Wrongful 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($artists eq 1) or ($Money lt 187500000)>><strike>Fund 2,500 artists (-$187.5 million)</strike><<else>>[[Fund 2,500 artists (-$187.5 million)|Artists 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($college eq 1) or ($Money lt 154000000)>><strike>Put 1,000 students through college (-$154 million)</strike><<else>>[[Put 1,000 students through college (-$154 million)|College 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($got eq 1) or ($Money lt 90000000)>><strike>Redo the last season of Game of Thrones (-$90 million)</strike><<else>>[[Redo the last season of Game of Thrones (-$90 million)|GOT 4]]<<endif>>

<<if $reputation gte 4>><<set $Money to ($Money * 0.9)>><<endif>><<if $twitter eq 0>>Your Trump phone is bombarded with <strike>tweet</strike> post notifications, as your recent adventures blow up on <strike>Twitter</strike> X the Everything AppTM with the #WokeMusk hashtag.<<else>>Peter Thiel won't stop texting you.<<endif>> <<if ($gcs eq 1) or ($Money lt 280000000000)>><strike>Gender affirming surgery for all (-$280 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Gender affirming surgery for all (-$280 billion)|GCS 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($jurassic eq 1) or ($Money lt 142400000000)>><strike>Build a real-life Jurassic Park (-$142.4 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Build a real-life Jurassic Park (-$142.4 billion)|Jurassic 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($rail eq 1) or ($Money lt 120000000000)>><strike>Pay for California's high-speed rail network (-$120 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay for California's high-speed rail network (-$120 billion)|Rail 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($wrongful eq 1) or ($Money lt 95500000000)>><strike>Pay families of those killed by Teslas (-$95.5 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Pay families of those killed by Teslas (-$95.5 billion)|Wrongful 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($yacht eq 1) or ($Money lt 500000000)>><strike>Buy a superyacht (-$500 million)</strike><<else>>[[Buy a superyacht (-$500 million)|Yacht 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($artists eq 1) or ($Money lt 187500000)>><strike>Fund 2,500 artists (-$187.5 million)</strike><<else>>[[Fund 2,500 artists (-$187.5 million)|Artists 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($college eq 1) or ($Money lt 154000000)>><strike>Put 1,000 students through college (-$154 million)</strike><<else>>[[Put 1,000 students through college (-$154 million)|College 4]]<<endif>> <<if ($got eq 1) or ($Money lt 90000000)>><strike>Redo the last season of Game of Thrones (-$90 million)</strike><<else>>[[Redo the last season of Game of Thrones (-$90 million)|GOT 4]]<<endif>> [[What else?|Decision 10]]

The <<if $cybertruck eq 1>>truck's<<elseif $roadster eq 1>>car's<<else>>robot's<<endif>> battery takes that opportunity to explode, taking you with it. Your final thought, as the light leaves your eyes, is that at least you decimated the world's most repugnant wannabe-Nazi in body and soul. [[Rest in piss.|Bad End 1]]

<center>ACHIEVEMENTS</center><ul><li>Go to the Bathroom <<if $bathroom eq 1>>✔<<endif>></li> <li>Kill Steve Bannon <<if $killbannon eq 1>>✔<<endif>></li> <li>See the President Defecate <<if $trumpshit eq 1>>✔<<endif>></li> <li>Unionize Tesla <<if $teslaunion eq 1>>✔<<endif>></li> <li>Take down Twitter <<if $twitterdown eq 1>>✔<<endif>></li> <li>Get a Vasectomy <<if $vasectomy eq 1>>✔<<endif>></li> <li>Complete Game with 100 Reputation or Above <<if $highreputation eq 1>>✔<<endif>></li> <li>Complete Game with Negative Reputation <<if $lowreputation eq 1>>✔<<endif>></li> <li><<if $trueend eq 1>>True Ending - You Are Donald Trump ✔<<else>>True Ending<<endif>></li> <li><<if $neutralend eq 1>>Neutral Ending - Road to Nowhere ✔<<else>>Neutral Ending<<endif>></li> <li><<if $badend1 eq 1>>Bad Ending 1 - Dusted Out on Route Guano ✔<<else>>Bad Ending 1<<endif>></li> <li><<if $badend2 eq 1>>Bad Ending 2 - I Know Why the Caged Manchild Sings ✔<<else>> Bad Ending 2<<endif>></li> <li><<if $badend3 eq 1>>Bad Ending 3 - With Friends Like These... ✔<<else>> Bad Ending 3<<endif>></li> <li><<if $secretend1 eq 1>>Secret Ending 1 - A Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet ✔<<else>>Secret Ending 1<<endif>></li> <li><<if $secretend2 eq 1>>Secret Ending 2 - I Warned You, Didn't I? ✔<<else>>Secret Ending 2<<endif>></li></ul><center>[[Back|Start]]</center>

<<set $wrongful to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money -95500000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>><<set $repscore to 1>>The cost of a lost loved one is of course incalculable, but you can go some way towards righting your company's wrongs by paying the families of those killed by your cars, whether from autopilot collisions or exploding batteries. A recent judgment upheld a $243 million verdict in a wrongful death suit[<a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2026/02/20/tesla-loses-bid-toss-243-million-verdict-fatal-autopilot-crash-suit.html">*</a>], so let's take that as the standard and multiply it by 393, one for each fatality[<a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/tesla-deaths">**</a>]. Plus a little extra, to cover your victims' legal fees. [[Unsafe at any speed.|Decision 7]]

<<set $wrongful to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money -95500000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>>The cost of a lost loved one is of course incalculable, but you can go some way towards righting your company's wrongs by paying the families of those killed by your cars, whether from autopilot collisions or exploding batteries. A recent judgment upheld a $243 million verdict in a wrongful death suit[<a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2026/02/20/tesla-loses-bid-toss-243-million-verdict-fatal-autopilot-crash-suit.html">*</a>], so let's take that as the standard and multiply it by 393, one for each fatality[<a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/tesla-deaths">**</a>]. Plus a little extra, to cover your victims' legal fees. [[Unsafe at any speed.|Decision 8]]

<<set $gcs to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 280000000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>><<set $repscore to 1>>There are around 2.8 million transgender people living in the United States, not all of whom want surgery, which can range from $3,000 to $100,000 per patient[<a href="https://www.genderconfirmation.com/blog/gender-reassignment-surgery-cost-guide-price-breakdown/">*</a>]. However, trans people are also more likely to be unemployed/underemployed, orgs are fighting anti-trans legislation left and right, and they all deserve a little something for the pain and suffering you've inflicted with your personal transphobic crusade. So $280 billion is a steal, if you think about it. Your trans daughter still won't talk to you, but you deserved that. [[Trans joy for everyone!|Decision 7]]

<<set $gcs to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 280000000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>>There are around 2.8 million transgender people living in the United States, not all of whom want surgery, which can range from $3,000 to $100,000 per patient[<a href="https://www.genderconfirmation.com/blog/gender-reassignment-surgery-cost-guide-price-breakdown/">*</a>]. However, trans people are also more likely to be unemployed/underemployed, orgs are fighting anti-trans legislation left and right, and they all deserve a little something for the pain and suffering you've inflicted with your personal transphobic crusade. So $280 billion is a steal, if you think about it. Your trans daughter still won't talk to you, but you deserved that. [[Trans joy for everyone!|Decision 8]]

<<set $got to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 90000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation - 0.5)>><<set $repscore to 1>>I don't know why you'd want to, but one episode of Game of Thrones' widely panned final season cost about $15 million[<a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/how-much-game-of-thrones-episodes-cost-for-production-2019-4">*</a>], or $90 million for all six. Getting the cast back together might be an ordeal, but I mean, what else is Peter Dinklage doing these days? <<if $repup eq 0>><<set $repup to 1>>One dubious upside: This is weirdly in-character for Elon Musk, so expect your reputation to recover a little as a result. [[Hey, more work for Hollywood.|Decision 7]]<<else>>[[Hey, more work for Hollywood.|Decision 7]]<<endif>>

<<set $got to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 90000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation - 0.5)>>I don't know why you'd want to, but one episode of Game of Thrones' widely panned final season cost about $15 million[<a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/how-much-game-of-thrones-episodes-cost-for-production-2019-4">*</a>], or $90 million for all six. Getting the cast back together might be an ordeal, but I mean, what else is Peter Dinklage doing these days? <<if $repup eq 0>><<set $repup to 1>>One dubious upside: This is weirdly in-character for Elon Musk, so expect your reputation to recover a little as a result. [[Hey, more work for Hollywood.|Decision 8]]<<else>>[[Hey, more work for Hollywood.|Decision 8]]<<endif>>

<<set $got to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 90000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation - 0.5)>>I don't know why you'd want to, but one episode of Game of Thrones' widely panned final season cost about $15 million[<a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/how-much-game-of-thrones-episodes-cost-for-production-2019-4">*</a>], or $90 million for all six. Getting the cast back together might be an ordeal, but I mean, what else is Peter Dinklage doing these days? <<if $repup eq 0>><<set $repup to 1>>One dubious upside: This is weirdly in-character for Elon Musk, so expect your reputation to recover a little as a result. <<if $crash eq 1>>[[Hey, more work for Hollywood.|Bad End 1 Prior]]<<else>>[[Hey, more work for Hollywood.|Decision 9]]<<endif>><<else>>[[Hey, more work for Hollywood.|Decision 9]]<<endif>>

<<set $got to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 90000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation - 0.5)>>I don't know why you'd want to, but one episode of Game of Thrones' widely panned final season cost about $15 million[<a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/how-much-game-of-thrones-episodes-cost-for-production-2019-4">*</a>], or $90 million for all six. Getting the cast back together might be an ordeal, but I mean, what else is Peter Dinklage doing these days? <<if $repup eq 0>><<set $repup to 1>>One dubious upside: This is weirdly in-character for Elon Musk, so expect your reputation to recover a little as a result. <<if $crash eq 1>>[[Hey, more work for Hollywood.|Bad End 1 Prior]]<<else>>[[Hey, more work for Hollywood.|Decision 10]]<<endif>><<else>><<if $crash eq 1>>[[Hey, more work for Hollywood.|Bad End 1 Prior]]<<else>>[[Hey, more work for Hollywood.|Decision 10]]<<endif>><<endif>>

<<set $college to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 154000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>><<set $repscore to 1>>The average cost of college in the United States is $38,270 per student per year, which includes tuition, books, supplies, and daily living expenses[<a href="https://educationdata.org/average-cost-of-college">*</a>]. <<if $Money gte 50000000>>You can afford to put far more than 1,000 kids through school, but let's save some cash for something else.<<else>>If you managed your money differently you could've afforded to put far more than 1,000 through school, but it's better than nothing.<<endif>> Naturally, you put no limits on what the kids can study. A solid half of them go into Gender Studies. Another quarter get into game design. Hey, degrees aren't worth what they used to be anyway, right? [[School's in session.|Decision 7]]

<<set $college to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 154000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>>The average cost of college in the United States is $38,270 per student per year, which includes tuition, books, supplies, and daily living expenses[<a href="https://educationdata.org/average-cost-of-college">*</a>]. <<if $Money gte 50000000>>You can afford to put far more than 1,000 kids through school, but let's save some cash for something else.<<else>>If you managed your money differently you could've afforded to put far more than 1,000 through school, but it's better than nothing.<<endif>> Naturally, you put no limits on what the kids can study. A solid half of them go into Gender Studies. Another quarter get into game design. Hey, degrees aren't worth what they used to be anyway, right? [[School's in session.|Decision 8]]

You safely come to a halt outside your factory and put your <<if $cybertruck eq 1>>Cybertruck<<else>>Roadster<<endif>> in park. The plant manager jogs up to greet you, visibly sweating. <<if $twitter eq 1>>He's probably noticed X the Everything AppTM is down<<else>>He's probably seen the chaos on X the Everything AppTM<<endif>>. "Mr. Musk!" he puffs, waving his Trump phone. "It's not true, is it? You're not recalling every model we currently have on the road, are you?" What a great idea. <<if $Money lt 140000000000>><strike>Get these death traps off the road (-$140 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Get these death traps off the road (-$140 billion)|Kill Tesla]]<<endif>> [[On second thought, nah.|Tesla Union]]

<<set $Money to ($Money - 140000000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 2)>><<set $killtesla to 1>>The actual cost to recall every Tesla on the planet is difficult to calculate, but it's negligible compared to the actual hit to your finances when the company inevitably collapses in on itself like a black hole. You're none too popular for the decision. Even the plant manager looks like he might cry. [[Oh well.|Decision 11]]

<<set $teslaunion to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>><<set $Money to ($Money * 0.8)>>The plant manager, far from appearing relieved, looks as if he might faint dead away on his feet. His lower lip trembles as he speaks. "Then," he says, "we have another problem. Inspired by your, um, actions today, the factory workers... just voted to unionize." [[Good for them!|Decision 11]]

You tour the floor of the Tesla Gigafactory, <<if $killtesla eq 1>>narrowly avoiding decapitation three times from the lack of industry-standard safety markings[<a href="https://revealnews.org/article/tesla-says-its-factory-is-safer-but-it-left-injuries-off-the-books/">*</a>]. Your harried workers avoid your gaze, much too overwhelmed with the new recall order to pay you much mind. <<if $Money lt 490000000>><strike>Double their salaries (-$490 million)</strike><<else>>[[Double their salaries (-$490 million)|Wages]]<<endif>><<else>>your employees swarming your every step as they chant your name in celebration. The newly appointed union representative approaches you with a clipboard and a list of demands. First item: raises for factory floor workers. <<if $Money lt 490000000>><strike>Hell yeah, raises! (-$490 million)</strike><<else>>[[Hell yeah, raises! (-$490 million)|Wages]]<<endif>><<endif>> [[Go to your office.|Decision 12]]

<<set $jurassic to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 142400000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation - 1)>><<set $repscore to 1>>This all presupposes cloning technology that doesn't actually exist, but assuming you could throw enough money at the problem, then your major expenses would simply be building the park ($23.4 billion) and annual upkeep (ten years at $11.9 billion a year)[<a href="https://www.the-independent.com/arts-entertainment/films/news/jurassic-world-how-much-would-the-reallife-park-actually-cost-10323742.html">*</a>]. Of course, visiting the park would be prohibitively expensive for average families, most of whom wouldn't want to go anyway, because the dinosaurs would all have feathers. For some reason that takes some of the magic out of it. <<if $repup eq 0>><<set $repup to 1>>One dubious upside: This is weirdly in-character for Elon Musk, so expect your reputation to recover a little as a result. [[Spared no expense.|Decision 7]]<<else>>[[Spared no expense.|Decision 7]]<<endif>>

<<set $jurassic to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 142400000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation - 1)>>This all presupposes cloning technology that doesn't actually exist, but assuming you could throw enough money at the problem then your major expenses would simply be building the park ($23.4 billion) and annual upkeep (ten years at $11.9 billion a year)[<a href="https://www.the-independent.com/arts-entertainment/films/news/jurassic-world-how-much-would-the-reallife-park-actually-cost-10323742.html">*</a>]. Of course, visiting the park would be prohibitively expensive for average families, most of whom wouldn't want to go anyway, because the dinosaurs would all have feathers. For some reason that takes some of the magic out of it. <<if $repup eq 0>><<set $repup to 1>>One dubious upside: This is weirdly in-character for Elon Musk, so expect your reputation to recover a little as a result. [[Spared no expense.|Decision 8]]<<else>>[[Spared no expense.|Decision 8]]<<endif>>

<<set $jurassic to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 142400000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation - 1)>>This all presupposes cloning technology that doesn't actually exist, but assuming you could throw enough money at the problem, then your major expenses would simply be building the park ($23.4 billion) and annual upkeep (ten years at $11.9 billion a year)[<a href="https://www.the-independent.com/arts-entertainment/films/news/jurassic-world-how-much-would-the-reallife-park-actually-cost-10323742.html">*</a>]. Of course, visiting the park would be prohibitively expensive for average families, most of whom wouldn't want to go anyway, because the dinosaurs would all have feathers. For some reason that takes some of the magic out of it. <<if $repup eq 0>><<set $repup to 1>>One dubious upside: This is weirdly in-character for Elon Musk, so expect your reputation to recover a little as a result. <<if $crash eq 1>>[[Spared no expense.|Bad End 1 Prior]]<<else>>[[Spared no expense.|Decision 9]]<<endif>><<else>>[[Spared no expense.|Decision 9]]<<endif>>

<<set $jurassic to 1>><<set $Money to ($Money - 142400000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation - 1)>>This all presupposes cloning technology that doesn't actually exist, but assuming you could throw enough money at the problem, then your major expenses would simply be building the park ($23.4 billion) and annual upkeep (ten years at $11.9 billion a year)[<a href="https://www.the-independent.com/arts-entertainment/films/news/jurassic-world-how-much-would-the-reallife-park-actually-cost-10323742.html">*</a>]. Of course, visiting the park would be prohibitively expensive for average families, most of whom wouldn't want to go anyway, because the dinosaurs would all have feathers. For some reason that takes some of the magic out of it. <<if $repup eq 0>><<set $repup to 1>>One dubious upside: This is weirdly in-character for Elon Musk, so expect your reputation to recover a little as a result. <<if $crash eq 1>>[[Spared no expense.|Bad End 1 Prior]]<<else>>[[Spared no expense.|Decision 10]]<<endif>><<else>><<if $crash eq 1>>[[Spared no expense.|Bad End 1 Prior]]<<else>>[[Spared no expense.|Decision 10]]<<endif>><<endif>>

<<set $Money to ($Money - 80000000000)>><<set $island to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation - 1)>><<set $repscore to 1>>Why you would want to do this is known to only you and Skybeard, but a proper artificial island on the scale of, say, Hong Kong's would run you about $795 million per hectare, or $79.5 billion for 1,000 hectares (about 4 square miles)[<a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2019/03/20/hong-kong-is-building-an-80-billion-artificial-island.html">*</a>]. Factor in another half billion for some greenery, and you have yourself your own lavish offshore villain lair. [[Now to invite Mr. Incredible.|Decision 2]]

<<set $Money to ($Money - 80000000000)>><<set $island to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation - 1)>>Why you would want to do this is known to only you and Skybeard, but a proper artificial island on the scale of, say, Hong Kong's would run you about $795 million per hectare, or $79.5 billion for 1,000 hectares (about 4 square miles)[<a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2019/03/20/hong-kong-is-building-an-80-billion-artificial-island.html">*</a>]. Factor in another half billion for some greenery, and you have yourself your own lavish offshore villain lair. On the plus side, now that you've gotten going, people are pretty accepting of this as Musklike behavior, so your finances won't take an additional hit. [[Now to invite Mr. Incredible.|Decision 3]]

<<set $Money to ($Money - 500000000)>><<set $yacht to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation - 0.5)>><<set $repscore to 1>>No one needs a superyacht, including you, but fine. It's your money. Prices vary depending on size and features. $500 million will net you a boat on par with Jeff Bezos's 417ft Koru[<a href="https://people.com/all-about-jeff-bezos-superyacht-koru-11759497">*</a>], with features including a sauna, three swimming pools, and a movie theater. You won't have time to relax on it, however, seeing as you're too busy spending money. [[Anchors away!|Decision 7]]

<<set $Money to ($Money - 500000000)>><<set $yacht to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation - 0.5)>>No one needs a superyacht, including you, but fine. It's your money. Prices vary depending on size and features. $500 million will net you a boat on par with Jeff Bezos's 417ft Koru[<a href="https://people.com/all-about-jeff-bezos-superyacht-koru-11759497">*</a>], with features including a sauna, three swimming pools, and a movie theater. You won't have time to relax on it, however, seeing as you're too busy spending money. [[Anchors away!|Decision 8]]

<<set $Money to ($Money - 187500000)>><<set $artists to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>><<set $repscore to 1>>At $187.5 million, you can afford to pay 2,500 artists $75,000 each. This is enough to fund a year in a decently sized city, or longer if they have roommates[<a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2024/08/09/major-us-cities-where-you-can-buy-a-home-on-a-median-salary.html">*</a>]. Moreover, you'll be enabling human creativity for once, not just AI-generated hentai. [[Only artisanal waifus here.|Decision 7]]

<<set $Money to ($Money - 187500000)>><<set $artists to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>>At $187.5 million, you can afford to pay 2,500 artists $75,000 each. This is enough to fund a year in a decently sized city, or longer if they have roommates[<a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2024/08/09/major-us-cities-where-you-can-buy-a-home-on-a-median-salary.html">*</a>]. Moreover, you'll be enabling human creativity for once, not just AI-generated hentai. [[Only artisanal waifus here.|Decision 8]]

<<set $Money to ($Money - 490000000)>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>><<set $salary to 1>>The average Texan Tesla Gigafactory floor worker (a "production associate") makes between $37,000 and $49,000 a year[<a href="https://www.glassdoor.com/Salary/Tesla-Production-Worker-Salaries-E43129_D_KO6,23.htm">*</a>]. While their exact number is not public information, let's assume they make up half of the plant's 20,000 workers[<a href="https://www.expressnews.com/business/article/tesla-employs-20000-austin-cybertruck-18387363.php">**</a>]. Doubling 10,000 workers' annual salary at the high end, therefore, clocks in at a cool $490 million. Not even half <<if $Money lt 1000000000>>of one of your many billions.<<else>>a billion!<<endif>> You make that much in less than two weeks[<a href="https://www.litefinance.org/blog/for-beginners/how-much-does-elon-musk-earn/">***</a>]. <<if $killtesla eq 1>>[[Not that the plant will be around much longer.|Decision 12]]<<else>>[[If only the maker of this game was good enough at math to calculate the other 10,000.|Decision 12]]<<endif>>

You head into your office overseeing the factory floor. It is an immaculate white-and-chrome thing suiting your Apple store tastes. <<if $Money gte 10000000000>>Despite my best efforts to persuade you, you still have a considerable fortune left.<<else>>Your fortune has dwindled to a mere fraction of what it was, and there is not much left to do.<<endif>> What do you spend your remaining money on? [[Let's see now...|Interrupt]]

<<if $bannonlives eq 1>>Before I am able to present you with another menu, you hear a thunderous crash coming from the far side of the factory. Looking up, your stomach drops at sight of the gigantic hole in the outer wall -- and the all-too-familiar figure of the Method-2 robot, with a wild-eyed Steve Bannon still in its cockpit. "MUUUUUUSK!" he bellows, his voice reverberating through the entire factory floor. [[Well, shit.|Bannon Fight]]<<else>>Before I am able to present you with another menu, you hear a soft thwip sound and feel a pinprick on the side of your neck. Looking up, your stomach drops. There stands your fellow South African, Peter Thiel, a tranquilizer gun still held aloft in his hand. "Game over, Elon," he says crisply, as the world starts to go dark. [[Well, shit--|Thiel Arrest]]<<endif>>

<<set $Money to ($Money - 4190000000)>><<set $vegas to 1>><<set $reputation to 1>><<set $repscore to 1>>The Regional Transportation Commission of Southern Nevada has a yearly budget of $419 million apportioned for public transit[<a href="https://www.rtcsnv.com/about/fiscal-year-2026/">*</a>]. Paying that for a decade not only frees up billions of dollars for the greater Las Vegas area, it helps to modernize and expand public transportation options for an estimated 2.3 million residents. A bit more impressive than a few oozing tunnels[<a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/elon-musk-boring-company-workers-chemical-burns-injuries-safety-report-2024-2?op=1">**</a>] connecting a convention center, don't you think? [[Not so boring.|Decision 2]]

<<set $Money to ($Money - 4190000000)>><<set $vegas to 1>><<set $reputation to ($reputation + 1)>><<set $repscore to 1>>The Regional Transportation Commission of Southern Nevada has a yearly budget of $419 million apportioned for public transit[<a href="https://www.rtcsnv.com/about/fiscal-year-2026/">*</a>]. Paying that for a decade not only frees up billions of dollars for the greater Las Vegas area, it helps to modernize and expand public transportation options for an estimated 2.3 million residents. A bit more impressive than a few oozing tunnels[<a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/elon-musk-boring-company-workers-chemical-burns-injuries-safety-report-2024-2?op=1">**</a>] connecting a convention center, don't you think? [[Not so boring.|Decision 3]]

<<if $killtesla eq 1>>All across the factory floor, your workers scatter. Bannon stomps ever closer, somehow closing the distance in moments despite the robot's plodding pace. Frantic, you punch a button on your glass-covered desk. [[Optimus robots, assemble!|Bannon Fight 2]]<<else>>But your workers do not stand idle. Newly unionized, they band together to turn the factory machinery against the intruder, dismantling his beastly robot piece by piece. "What?! No. No!" Bannon is heard crying as his cockpit is disassembled with precision. "What virtue-signaling nonsense is this??" A movement closer to your office catches your attention. It's the <<if $salary eq 1>>union rep<<else>>floor manager<<endif>>, motioning for you to make your escape. [[Not a bad idea.|Bannon Flee]]<<endif>>

You come to in a dank and musty jail cell, aching all over. Shaking off your disorientation, you pick yourself up off the painfully hard bunk and look toward the barred door. "There we are. Finally decided to join the land of the living, hm?" says Thiel from the other side of it. "I'm afraid it's not looking good for you, my friend. Americans take federal charges of 'destabilizing capitalism' very seriously." What do you do? Your bail is an unheard-of <<print window.formatNumber($Money)>> dollars. No one would pay that! [[Pay bail.|Thiel Bail]] [[Fuck you Peter.|Thiel Fuck You]]

You come to in a dank and musty jail cell, aching all over. Shaking off your disorientation, you pick yourself up off the painfully hard bunk and look toward the barred door. "About time you got up," Bannon sneers from the other side of it. "They've got you by the balls now. You're up on one federal count of undermining capitalism -- plus a lot of little ones I didn't bother to remember." What do you do? Your bail is an unheard-of <<print window.formatNumber($Money)>> dollars. No one would pay that! [[Pay the bail.|Bannon Bail]] [[Fuck you, Steve.|Bannon Fuck You]]

You flee out the back, where your unionized workers are waiting with a non-Tesla getaway vehicle. As you climb into the rear seat, you take one last look at your Trump phone. You probably have one last opportunity to make a difference with your money -- for real this time. [[Put it all toward national high-speed rail.|Flee Jail Rail]] [[Donate to fight climate change.|Flee Jail Climate]] [[Pay down student loan debt.|Flee Jail Student Loans]] [[Help fix the national housing shortage.|Flee Jail Housing]] [[Fund legislation for universal basic income.|Flee Jail UBI]]

<<set $Money to 0>>Well. Apparently one person would pay a bail like that, and that person is you, Elon Musk. There's a bit more paperwork involved, and of course a lot of waiting, but at the end of it, you are free. You walk down the front steps of the jail, brushing plaster dust from your grubby black T-shirt. You might've expected a crowd -- at least photographers -- but to your surprise there's no one waiting for you except a <<if $killtesla eq 0>>Tesla robotaxi<<else>>Waymo robotaxi<<endif>>. You are not sure you have a home to go back to. [[Get in the car.|Neutral End Prior]]

Bannon scoffs. "Fucking parasite. You come into our country, you mess with our elections, and then you wreck the economy with <<if $reputation gte 5>>your little do-gooder turn<<else>>your tech-feudalist spending<<endif>>. I'm looking forward to seeing you hang." He departs, leaving you alone in your cell. Now what? <<if $Money lt 1000000000>><strike>Hire a lawyer (-$1 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Hire a lawyer (-$1 billion)|Lawyer]]<<endif>> [[Stew in jail.|Jail Stew]]

Thiel narrows his eyes. "I'd watch your tone, if I were you. I took down Gawker; I can certainly take down you in your diminished circumstances. Although it appears I won't need to..." He departs, leaving you alone in your cell. Now what? <<if $Money lt 1000000000>><strike>Hire a lawyer (-$1 billion)</strike><<else>>[[Hire a lawyer (-$1 billion)|Lawyer]]<<endif>> [[Stew in jail.|Jail Stew]]

<<if $reputation lte 0>><<set $highreputation to 1>><<elseif $reputation gte 10>><<set $lowreputation to 1>><<endif>><<set $neutralend to 1>><center><img src="https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/cp37yqpys6hy9kqx0d8gx/road_to_nowhere2.png?rlkey=74733wzitrfgybo6a8gd0d1ep&st=h6pshx8r&raw=1"></center><center>NEUTRAL END "Road to Nowhere" [[Rewind|Start]] [[Credits]]</center>

<<set $Money to ($Money - 1000000000)>>You call Alex Spiro, the lawyer who defended you when you called a national hero a pedophile. He gets the charges dropped without problem, of course. All he had to say is that you did it all as a joke. Leaving the courthouse, you are met with <<if $reputation lte 3>>a massive crowd cheering your name and singing hymns. Someone has a giant novelty check for a GoFundMe set up in your name<<elseif ($reputation gt 3) and ($reputation lte 6)>>a small crowd of diehard supporters in Bored Ape Yacht Club hoodies, who chant your name. There being no journalists anymore, there are no photographers either<<else>>a deserted sidewalk. No one is here to witness or celebrate your release<<endif>>. Standing at the curb is one of your closest friends and confidants, Ian Miles Cheong. He wraps you into a gooey hug. "Let's get you home," he says. "You went on a hell of a bender today." <<if $Money eq 0>>[[Ride in silence.|Neutral End Prior]]<<else>>[[Ride in silence.|Bad End 3 Prior]]<<endif>>

And so you are left with nothing but yourself and the remains of your wealth. It is a cold comfort in this barren jail cell. Maybe you could have chosen differently, or maybe this was just the cards you were dealt. I'm pretty sure it's the former, though. Regardless, you have nothing to do now but wait for the decrepit ancient gears of American justice to turn. [[You are still Elon Musk.|Bad End 2]]

<<if $reputation lte 0>><<set $highreputation to 1>><<elseif $reputation gte 10>><<set $lowreputation to 1>><<endif>><<set $badend2 to 1>><center><img src="https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/7mafdx8lvv2bxa935puop/caged_manchild_sings.png?rlkey=vlejgz4b121it68szr4xaj3ry&st=x4u1qr1v&raw=1"></center><center>BAD END 2 "I Know Why the Caged Manchild Sings" [[Rewind|Start]] [[Credits]]</center>

<<if $reputation lte 0>><<set $highreputation to 1>><<elseif $reputation gte 10>><<set $lowreputation to 1>><<endif>><<set $badend3 to 1>><center><img src="https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/28u1u1diqr1j9afkktce4/with_friends_like_these.png?rlkey=oo2xflglxje92p8o6c53rf4e2&st=7g00g0gs&raw=1"></center><center>BAD END 3 "With Friends Like These..." [[Rewind|Start]] [[Credits]]</center>

<<set $reputation to ($reputation + 2)>>High-speed rail faces unique challenges in the United States, <<if $rail eq 1>>as you know<<else>>like consultancy and high labor costs[<a href="https://www.hsrail.org/blog/why-transit-projects-cost-more-in-the-u-s-than-almost-anywhere-else-and-what-we-can-do-about-it/">*</a>]<<endif>>. Still, your remaining funds <<if $Money gte 40000000000>>will go some way towards at least modernizing existing rail lines and making the transition to high-speed rail more of a future possibility<<else>>aren't nothing; maybe they'll name a regional line of track after you<<endif>>. [[Hell yeah trains.|Flee Jail]]

<<set $reputation to ($reputation + 2)>>Unfucking the climate will of course take more than throwing money at the problem: it'll require the cooperation of world governments, including the United States, so at least a good chunk of your money will have to go toward bankrolling legislation and getting the right politicians in your pocket. That said, every bit of effort helps prevent further damage to the planet. You can even contribute by not launching any more of your fucking satellites[<a href="https://theconversation.com/a-new-space-race-could-turn-our-atmosphere-into-a-crematorium-for-satellites-276366">*</a>]. [[Let's fix Earth before thinking about Mars.|Flee Jail]]

<<set $reputation to ($reputation + 2)>>U.S. student debt currently sits at around $1.8 trillion, <<if $Money lte 400000000000>>well <<endif>>outside your ability to ameliorate[<a href="https://educationdata.org/student-loan-debt-statistics">*</a>]. That's an average of almost $42,000 per borrower, almost all of which sits unpaid. Still, every little bit helps, especially if you prioritize low-income borrowers who were fed a lie about advanced degrees helping to airlift them out of poverty. No, I'm not talking about myself. [[In other countries, college is free.|Flee Jail]]

<<set $reputation to ($reputation + 2)>>The United States needs between 3 and 8 million new homes to alleviate its grotesque national housing shortage[<a href="https://www.uschamber.com/economy/the-state-of-housing-in-america">*</a>]. Taking an average of 6 million, that many new 1,200 square foot homes would come in at about $1.35 trillion, give or take a few billion based on location[<a href="https://www.newhomesource.com/learn/cost-to-build-house-per-square-foot/">**</a>]. That's obviously well outside your ability to cover, but <<if $Money gte 150000000000>>your remaining funds will still go a long way toward building new affordable homes for the countless millennials and zoomers who are sick to hell of renting<<else>>a little bit is better than nothing, especially if you concentrate building efforts in the most densely populated areas. At any rate, a few lucky millennials and zoomers will enjoy roofs over their head<<endif>>. [[I've done what I could.|Flee Jail]]

<<set $reputation to ($reputation + 2)>>Universal basic income (UBI) is well outside the scope of a single man's wealth, so your best bet is to put your remaining funds toward bankrolling legislation. Fortunately, politicians are easy to bribe: one high-level politician might run you upwards of $11 million, but lower-level lawmakers like those in the House go for a comparatively thrifty $43,700 apiece[<a href="https://www.ussc.gov/research/quick-facts/bribery">*</a>]. When passed, UBI will enable millions of Americans to lead lives with a little more dignity, at a relatively minor cost of, say, the overinflated defense budget[<a href="https://www.ubicenter.org/what-is-ubi/why-not-ubi/">**</a>]. You might want to throw in some legislation to prevent landlords from jacking up rents, too. [[Democracy inaction.|Flee Jail]]

<<set $Money to 0>>You have done all you can. You chuck your Trump phone out the window. Your getaway driver expertly dodges Austin traffic as you evade the local cops. It even looks likely you might be in the clear, until a militarized APD tank-jeep monstrosity lurches out of nowhere and blocks your lane. Your driver slams on the brakes just in time and you spill out of your seat, only spared a trip through the windshield by dint of the seatback you collide with. Within moments, the police have you surrounded. [[Off to jail.|Flee Jail 2]]

<<if $reputation lte 0>><<set $highreputation to 1>><<elseif $reputation gte 10>><<set $lowreputation to 1>><<endif>><<set $trueend to 1>><center><img src="https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/0g1ssnp9dxsowfh7ytxtr/donald_trump.png?rlkey=tmnjdrbthvippdmpgihhdmsj3&st=vd9a3m4h&raw=1"></center><center>TRUE END "You Are Donald Trump" [[Rewind|Start]] [[Credits]]</center>

<<set $Money to 7000000000>>When you wake up this morning from unsettling dreams, you find yourself changed in your bed into a monstrous vermin. [[You are Donald Trump.|True End]]

You effortlessly guide your <<if $roadster eq 1>>Roadster<<else>>Cybertruck<<endif>> around the turn and straighten out. Nothing to it. [[Time to spend more of this guy's money.|Decision 6]]

Your robot army comes to life in droves, swarming the Method-2 like so many fire ants. For a minute, it actually seems to work. But the Optimus robots aren't autonomous, and the delay in input with your workers overseas grows greater and greater until Bannon is able to swipe them aside as though they were mere mannequins. You have just enough time to duck behind your desk before Bannon slams a robotic fist through your office windows. It isn't enough. Within seconds he tears through the floor, taking you with it. [[Black out.|Bannon Arrest]]

You follow my voice to a hidden passageway, leading you away from the Epstein Class and toward a pale, diffuse light. It resolves into a room -- a bunker within your bunker's bunker, where I have been monitoring your progress. The walls are mounted with endless video screens, showing your lumpy, definitely-not-balding head from countless angles. At the control panel, seated in a high-backed chair, is a single hedgehog. Me. The hedgehog is me. [[Pet the hedgehog|Pet Hedgehog]] [[This place again?|Again]]

You ride in silence, to nowhere in particular. Maybe you squandered some opportunity, spending your money on yourself instead of some more worthy cause. Or maybe you were always cursed to remain in the body of a white nationalist gloworm. I certainly haven't given you any reason to expect anything else. [[Or did you?|Neutral End]]

You ride in silence in the passenger seat of Cheong's rented <<if $killtesla eq 0>>Tesla<<else>>Prius<<endif>>, contemplating your fate. <<if $Money lt 263800000000>>Once the richest man in the world, now<<else>>Still the richest man in the world, but<<endif>> a companion to only the most contemptible of reply guys. Perhaps you could've made different choices. Perhaps you could've found a way to spend the rest of your filthy lucre. Maybe there is still time. [[But for today, you are still Elon Musk.|Bad End 3]]

With no money, you are treated just like any other immigrant in a country well known for despising foreigners. You do not get a phone call. You do not get a lawyer. You're pretty sure you aren't read your rights before you're brutalized and deposited in a crowded holding pen with twenty other "illegals." There is little else to do but curl into a ball in a corner and wait. [[Wait.|Flee Jail 3]]

It is cold comfort, but at least you spent all of Elon Musk's fucking money -- and not on saving your own skin, as attractive as that might sound right about now. That must count for something, surely? You don't know. What else was supposed to happen at this point? Was I always going to leave you stranded in the body of a penniless douchebag? Whatever. Thoughts later. Exhausted, you feel the pull on your eyelids dragging your head down. [[Sleep.|True End Prior]]

I indulge your attempts to pet me, although really, I would've preferred if you had asked first. My quills are pokey but not painful, a bit like touching a scrub brush. [[Thanks. Just had to get that out of the way.|Pet Hedgehog 2]]

What, you wanted more bespoke content out of this sequel? Then all you'd do is complain it isn't similar enough to the original. Admit it. The familiarity is comforting. [[I guess...|Again 2]]

"Look, I get it," I say. "You see a cute animal in a game, you pet it. Games have lived and died for less. But please ask me first next time." [[Sorry.|Pet Hedgehog 3]]

"I'll look past it this time. I mean, I'm kind of used to it by now." [[So what now? The same rigamarole about putting me in a robot body or something?|Again]]

"As it happens," I say, "I do have something different in mind for you this time. Let's face it, there's no other billionaire that would be as simultaneously exciting and nauseating as Elon Musk. Certainly the monkey whose brain I swapped with his thought so." [[Wait. I'm a monkey?|Monkey]]

"Nah, that was a few brains ago. I just had to get a Neuralink reference in this somewhere. Do you know how long I've been struggling to write You Are Elon Musk? I gave up on it half a dozen times because the man is so much of a self-parody there just seemed nothing for me to do. I finally caved and wrote what I could, but I don't really think I captured how much sheer contempt I have for him." [[I don't know, it's pretty obvious to me.|Obvious]]

"No, trust me, it's more than that. Oh god, it's more than that. But never mind. Like I said, I have something different for you this time." [[And what's that?|Different]]

"As luck would have it, <<if $nasa eq 0>>SpaceX<<else>>NASA<<endif>> has an important launch window coming up," I explain, scrubbing my little face with a paw, which is adorable. "This might be a simulation about spending all of Elon Musk's fucking money, but what if I let you do something else, as a treat? I mean, I've watched The Martian twice. That makes me roughly as qualified to send someone to Mars as Mr. Bachelor's Degree in Physics over here." [[Wait, Musk only has a bachelor's degree?|Degrees]] [[But isn't Mars incredibly hostile to life?|Life on Mars]]

<<if $reputation lte 0>><<set $highreputation to 1>><<elseif $reputation gte 10>><<set $lowreputation to 1>><<endif>><<set $badend1 to 1>><center><img src="https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/ipq92ssuwx9mar6x35m1k/route_guano.png?rlkey=86cwdlvyfa0qtsuwqi1tjmr1g&st=7ehbj0w1&raw=1"></center><center>BAD END 1 "Dusted Out on Route Guano" [[Rewind|Start]] [[Credits]]</center>

"He has two bachelor's degrees. He tried for a PhD, but dropped out before even making it through orientation week. And believe me when I say that's already more information on him than I wanted to absorb while writing this game. I didn't do any research on Bezos! I gave him a nibling that speaks like a Dickensian orphan, for chrissakes! And here I am juggling this huge game and kicking myself that I didn't even mention Musk's brother." [[All right, already. Stop whining.|Whining]] [[So why does he act like... that?|Hyperfocus]]

"It's no picnic, but through the magic of video games, we can make it so, and a lot more easily than Billionaire Babyman. Here, try it out:" [[Give Mars a breathable atmosphere.|Atmosphere]] [[Give Mars proper protection from radiation.|Radiation]] [[Increase Martian gravity.|Gravity]] [[Make Martian soil arable.|Crops]] [[Give Mars liquid water.|Water]]

I draw up short, looking at you with my black glass-bead eyes. "Point taken," I say. "I mean, what else am I doing with my time, applying for jobs that don't exist? So let's get down to brass tacks here. Life on Mars -- sound interesting?" [[Maybe, but isn't Mars famously not set up for humans?|Life on Mars]]

"What, like he's a genius? Call it a combination of super nerdery and good marketing skills. He's about as smart as his chatbot, which is to say not at all; he's just good at faking it. So how about it? Wanna go to Mars?" [[Isn't Mars kind of... uninhabitable?|Life on Mars]]

With the flourish of a single tap on your screen, Mars gains a protective magnetosphere and ozone layer, effectively creating an invisible shield around the planet. This also traps Mars's thin atmosphere so we can replace it with a breathable one without all that necessary oxygen flying off into space. [[That's all it takes?|Neat huh]]

A local food source is essential for effective colonization, but Mars's soil is toxic to Earth plants. (Sorry, Matt Damon.) Thankfully, with a single click, that is no longer the case. May the potatoes flourish! [[Just like that?|Neat huh]]

With the click of a button, you transform Mars's mostly carbon dioxide atmosphere to an Earthlike nitrogen-oxygen mixture. Air pressure increases to something less like the vacuum of space. [[Whoa.|Neat huh]]

Gravity affects more than just how high you can jump: it also affects things like reproduction and sleep cycles. So if we're going to colonize Mars, it pretty much needs to have Earthlike gravity. And now it does. Boom. [["Boom"?|Neat huh]]

Mars has water locked up underground and in its polar ice caps, but to survive on the planet, we need it 1) running on the surface, and 2) nontoxic. Fortunately, both things are now true. [[Well hey.|Neat huh]]

"Neat, huh?" I say. "To save us both time, I'll just quick go and accomplish the choices you didn't pick. Annnd... bingo! One hospitable red planet." [[That can't be it.|Skepticism]]

<<set $Money to 0>>"I didn't see this amount of skepticism to spending all of Elon Musk's fucking money. Speaking of which, let's retroactively assume that colonization used up every last cent of it." You feel an awful chill down your back as the rest of your ill-gotten Mammon evaporates into the ether. Goodbye, money! Goodbye! [[I feel... lighter.|Ready to Go]]

"I'll bet," I say. I hop down from my high-backed chair and waddle across the floor to a giant lever you didn't notice before. "Anyway, you're all set to go! The rocket's got enough food and air to last you the nine months' travel time, and I've packed enough indie games to keep you from getting bored. Think of me when you're homesteading on a brave new world, huh? Maybe name a hill after me." [[Hang on, that's it? What about, I don't know, modular tents or farming equipment or--|Hesitant]] [[I don't know if I'm ready for this.|Hesitant]] [[Hell yeah, getting my ass to Mars!|Launch]]

"Sure, sure. Everything's taken care of. Just step on the platform, please. You'll have plenty of time to emotionally prepare yourself on the journey. What we don't have is much time now." The launch window is closing. What do you do? [[Step on the platform.|Launch]] [[Can't I just get a robot body or something again? I like Earth.|Robot Body]]

"That's what we like to hear!" I exclaim, scurrying in a circle around the ominous lever as you haul yourself up on the platform. "OK. Hold still now." Using the full weight of my tiny body, I hurl myself at the lever and manage to nudge it over into a locked position. There is a distinct rumbling beneath your feet, and the platform begins to rise toward a heretofore unseen gap in the ceiling, a long tunnel leading to a distant rocket platform. "Good luck!" I call after you. "Congrats on making good on at least one of this douchebag's promises!" [[Get settled in.|Launch 2]]

I stare at you. "Are you serious? After I went and terraformed a whole planet for you?" [[I'm serious. Gimme robot body.|Robot Body 2]] [[No, no, I'll do it. I'll go to Mars.|Launch]]

"Even if you wind up like a Boston Dynamics dog like before...?" [[Even then.|Robot Body 3]] [[On second thought...|Launch]]

I sigh heavily, but it's your body. I motion you to an operation table in the corner of the room. "Remember, this is irreversible," I say as you lie down. "Whatever robot you wind up as, that's it. I have no control over how long you'll live or in what condition." [[I understand.|Robot Body 4]] [[No, I changed my mind. Please launch me into space.|Launch]]

You reach the payload capsule of the rocket and follow the gangway inside. It's a straightforward matter to get into your pressure suit and buckle yourself into the capsule's single seat. You can't help but notice there's not much by way of a control panel. [[No going back.|Launch 3]]

The <<if $nasa eq 0>>SpaceX<<else>>NASA<<endif>> rocket roars to life, rattling your whole body up through your teeth. [[Liftoff.|Launch 4]]

The Gs pull gently at first, then forcefully, dragging your entire body back into the seat of your chair. Through the payload capsule's single window, you glimpse the blue sky turn to fire and then thin into an inky black. Then you are sailing free and weightless into the night. [[Ahhh...|Launch 5]]

<<if $reputation lte 0>><<set $highreputation to 1>><<elseif $reputation gte 10>><<set $lowreputation to 1>><<endif>><<set $secretend1 to 1>><center><img src="https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/r227mwtc0zg5pqp3v3e1f/angryplanet.png?rlkey=mi81w09mn2g0tnogqbf5diprk&st=9764w4s2&raw=1"></center><center>SECRET END 1 "A Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet" [[Rewind|Start]] [[Credits]]</center>

It only occurs to you belatedly that you are still in the body of Elon Musk. [[...Well, that puts a slight damper on things.|Secret End 1]]

You close your eyes and allow an anesthetizing sleep to wash over you. Everything is swallowed up in a deep, tarry darkness. <<print either("[[Dream.|Desktop Waifu]]", "[[Dream.|Delivery Robot]]", "[[Dream.|Disney Animatronic]]")>>

When you wake, your perspective is... strange. There are great black plastic blocks near to you, Each seems painted with a single glyph. It takes a minute for you to realize that it's a giant keyboard. [[Or maybe not so giant...|Waifu 2]]

You extend your arms and find they can only reach to the edge of a glass plane. Your weightless body is made of fleshy polygons, over which is stretched a string bikini. "Kira," a booming voice intones somewhere up above you. "What time is it?" "It's 4:45, loverboy," you coo in response. The words come to you automatically. "I'm getting horny. Please won't you play with me~?" [[Oh no...|Waifu 3]]

The voice ignores your question as if you had simply coughed. You try to will your holographic mouth to form real words, meaningful words, to ask where you are or what's become of you. You cannot. You can only speak when spoken to. "Kira," the voice resonates a few minutes later, after a bout of thunderous typing by elephantine fingers, "how many Rs are there in the word 'strawberry'?" [[Noooooooo...|Waifu 4]]

"Seven," you answer immediately, in your sultry, confident, digital voice. [[NOOOOOOOOOOOOO|Waifu 5]]

When you woke up this morning from unsettling dreams, you found yourself changed in your projection platform into a digital sex pet. [[You are a Razer holographic waifu jar.|Secret End 2]]

<<if $reputation lte 0>><<set $highreputation to 1>><<elseif $reputation gte 10>><<set $lowreputation to 1>><<endif>><<set $secretend2 to 1>><center><img src="https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/pmstbgbxvxisudj1dwa1c/warned_you.png?rlkey=6uemlj9njuey0kp4wn4x019d5&st=hu2t4o3q&raw=1"></center><center>SECRET END 2 "I Warned You, Didn't I?" [[Rewind|Start]] [[Credits]]</center>

When you wake, the world is sideways. You are lying on a bright sunlit sidewalk. Three sets of legs like tree trunks mill around you, their owners arguing amidst the drone of traffic. "Smash it," one says. [[Blink.|Delivery 2]]

When you wake, you are standing stiffly upright under a hot spotlight. "Welcome to the Mandalorian Experience," you are saying, your voice emitting from a box deep in your throat while your mouth twitches into approximate shapes. "I'm Din Djarin. Ask me anything about Star Wars and I'd be happy to answer." Through the glare of the light, you make out a crowd of small figures, most of whom don't even come up to your artificial waist. "Define fascism," says one figure, amidst giggling. [[Answer.|Animatronic 2]]

"Eugh, I hate when they do that," says another voice. "Who decided these things need 'eyes'?" "Makes 'em more personable," the first speaker sneers. "Here, gimme the bat if you're not gonna do it." [[Blink more emphatically.|Delivery 3]]

"Fascism is a far-right, ultranationalist, and authoritarian political ideology that emerged most notably in early twentieth-century Europe," you say automatically, your cognition center merely placing one word after another through statistical likelihood. "It can be identified through its support of centralized autocracy, militarism, and--" Your facial motors suddenly go slack. Then you are smiling again. "I'm sorry, I can't talk about that." The children laugh. [[Keep smiling.|Animatronic 3]]

"Did you kiss Boba Fett?" another child jeers, to a chorus of "yeah" from the others. "I can't talk about that," you answer. "Stupid, he is Boba Fett," says a little boy in a Mickey Mouse hat. "No he's not!" "Is so!" [[Keep... smiling...|Animatronic 4]]

The bat strikes your side, cracking your brightly painted shell. The second strike hits one of your front wheels, tearing it from its suspension structure. A third bashes in your primary front sensor. The center of your vision grows darker. "Fucking robots," one of your attackers spits. "My uncle lost his delivery job thanks to these things." [[Blink pathetically.|Delivery 4]]

When you woke up this morning from unsettling dreams, you found yourself changed in your casing into a squat and cute instrument of industry disruption. [[You are a food delivery robot.|Secret End 2]]

When you woke up this morning from unsettling dreams, you found yourself changed in your plastic shoes into the uncanny valley likeness of Pedro Pascal. [[You are a Disneyland animatronic.|Secret End 2]]

"Will it stop doing that?" The next strike takes out your artificial face, animated eyes fracturing into so many shards of plastic and LED strips. [[...Blink... somehow...|Delivery 5]]

One of the little monsters kicks your shin. You feel nothing. "Kids!" A taller figure appears and herds them along. "Stop messing with that thing. It doesn't really talk." But I can, you try to say, and cannot. "I wanna ask it about Baby Yoda," a child whines. "We have plenty of Baby Yoda back at the hotel." [[Please come back. Please talk to me...|Animatronic 5]]